If you have ever been dating a man and things were going great and all of a sudden he tells you he is afraid of his feelings for you, this article is for you. More times than I can ever count, I get messages and comments from women who are involved with or dating a man that claims he is scared of his feelings or getting hurt or commitment or this or that. This is the second article in a series that I am writing on scared men. You can find the first one here.
Now you may find it flattering that a man feels so strongly for you that it scares him. Most women have that nurturing instinct kicking in when they hear this and they want to reassure him. They find the scared little boy endearing in so many ways. Looking back, I can think of many a man that has told me after a very intense and chemistry filled evening that I scare him. There was a time in my life that I too would have been flattered or rushed to reassure his fears.
In reality there are two types of men that are afraid of their feelings. I will discuss both here. The first one is the majority of men that say this. The ones that really aren’t scared of their feelings. Most guys that use the line “I am scared of my feelings for you” are about to do a disappearing act. It’s a great excuse that plays upon the emotions of women and they way they analyze things in their heads. It ranks right up there with “it’s not you, it’s me”.
So he gets to exit the relationship guilt free. It’s a perfect excuse. Now not only does he have an easy out, he has your sympathy as well. He doesn’t look like the bad guy, poor fellow, he is just scared. He has probably been hurt before, bless his heart. Don’t buy it ladies, just don’t. It’s not that he is scared of his feelings.
If a man walks away from you because he is afraid of his feelings for you, the truth is, he isn’t afraid to lose you at all. That doesn’t sound to me like a man that really has strong feelings for you but a man that realizes he could have been leading you on and now wants to save face.
Now let’s take a brief look at the small majority of men that really are afraid of their feelings. Do you really think this kind of man would make a good long term partner carrying around all those wounds from his past? Do you really think you could thrive in a relationship where you spend most of your time reassuring and shoring up his emotions for him?
A man that really is scared of his feelings is showing you how he deals with conflict. He doesn’t. He runs or hides behind this lame excuse. Do you want a man that can’t handle his own emotions really? How do you think he is going to handle the bumps in the road like this?
So bottom line here, if he is afraid of his feelings, just keep walking.
What does it mean when he says he is afraid to hurt you or he is scared he is going to hurt you? A young woman emailed me this week telling me her boyfriend keeps telling her “I am afraid I am going to hurt you”. Like most women, she is analyzing this to bits and pieces and trying to figure out how to reassure him. She wants to know how she can get through to him.
Oh boy! When a man tells you he is afraid he is going to hurt you, what he is really saying? You are most likely focused on his words scared or afraid and not paying attention to what he is really saying. He is saying he doesn’t feel enough for you to not hurt you. He is saying you are more invested into this relationship than he is and he knows it. He is just attempting to save face and continue to look like the good guy and he is giving you fair warning in advance.
Oh sure you can continue to shore up his voiced fears and reassure him, but down the road, when he does hurt you, he will tell you he tried to tell you and free himself of the blame. A man who is afraid he is going to hurt you most likely doesn’t want a full blown relationship. He has his exit pre-planned. He has told you who he is, but are you listening.
A man that cares for and loves you does not think about hurting you and will do anything in his power to avoid this. Please don’t fall for this line and try to manage his emotions for him. When you find yourself having to reassure a man about hurting you, it’s almost like telling him you are okay with this and he can interpret this as your permission. It may even be what he is hoping for. A man into you emotionally will not be pondering hurting you.
So many fall for the poor broken boy syndrome, the guys that are afraid of this or that, usually commitment, love, hurting you or getting hurt themselves. A man that operates out of a place of fear will always be withholding his gifts and his depth of love from you. You will spend more time managing his emotions than feeling loved or being free to give him love. An afraid man does not make a strong partner and do you really want to play shrink with him as opposed to living in a happy and healthy relationship.
When he says he is afraid to hurt you it’s usually just a smokescreen and he isn’t actually looking for a relationship but is interested in the perks that go along with a relationship. Protect your precious heart and hold out for a man who would not dream of hurting you.
Oh the mistakes women make dating. Hindsight is 20/20. So what man mistake did you make? Do you wish there was a such thing as a man mistake eraser? Were you clingy, needy? Too controlling? Oh I know you didn’t say “I love you” first did you? Did you text him to death. Did you accuse him of something? The list goes on and on for man mistakes that we can make.
Is he backing up and you aren’t sure why? Maybe he wants his space now. Whatever it is, now you want to fix it, but you just don’t know how. Talking about it isn’t going to work, so don’t waste your breath. Men don’t respond to words, it’s distance they respond too.
Regardless though, if you have made a mistake, often the harder you try at redemption, the worse you make it. You are acting out of a place of emotion. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing until your emotions are under control and your logical thinking is in tact. Understand that your urge to fix it now now now, it from a place of insecurity. Instant satisfaction does not always bring long term gratification.
Often if you sleep on it a few days, depending on the issue, it very well may work itself out and no man mistake eraser is needed. If this is a case of you really did nothing wrong but he is pissed anyway, don’t apologize. Apologies are often weak. Stand your ground. He will respect you more if it was just a once over of him being grumpy or something. If it occurs more than once, please please just do yourself a favor and dump him now.
This Will Make Men Disappear Fast
I was a moderator on a woman’s forum for 2 years and now own a forum for women where they talk about their dating and relationships freely. I have seen many a woman wondering why he disappeared when they thought the relationship was so promising. Most of them have the following in common.
When you are first dating, this is the time to get to know him, take your time and just have fun. Many women can’t seem to do this. They start the date projecting into the future. They are already thinking of where this is going. Men in general don’t do this. It’s usually the woman that is asking at the end of the date, “When will I see you again?”, or asking him when he is going to call. They try to lead the relationship from day one to where they hope it will go.
When you do this, right from the start you aren’t putting trust in him. Men really want to be trusted. Don’t push or try to control the outcome. Trust him to take the next step and initiate the call. It shows him you are confident. Then when he does call, you are happy and you can show this. Be encouraging to men, but don’t try to lead them. It comes across as needy and he will already begin to suspect that he has some responsibility for your happiness.
I know many a woman who brings up where the relationship is headed very early on. It has been said that men look for sex, women look for love. Men often find love along the way of looking for sex, but they can’t be forced. If you start behaving like a girlfriend from the very beginning, before he has decided that he wants you for a girlfriend, you may very well be left wondering why he disappeared.
Acting like a girlfriend includes calling him often, asking him a lot of questions. If you are questioning his where abouts or who he is with or what time he got home, you are not only acting like his girlfriend, but may be reminding him of his mother. Texting him good morning or good night texts before he texts you also is not really a good idea. Sure it’s okay if you are getting the same from him, but don’t go there first.
Another thing that puts up a warning flag that a woman may be moving too fast is when she starts offering to do things for him. It seems she is trying awful hard to get him to like her when she does this. Inside of a relationship it is all about give and take, but I see women giving and giving when he is doing nothing of the sort in return. Over giving ir probably one of the biggest mistakes women make dating.
If men are disappearing on you, consider the above mentioned things. It’s never a good idea to prioritize a man until he begins to prioritize you!
I slept With Him Too Soon
This is one of the biggest mistakes women make dating. They sleep with them before they know where they stand. Worse they often apologize for doing so which just adds to the mistake. When you get upset or apologize this doesn’t make a man feel very good about himself or you for that matter. It kills the fun of it and replaces any good feeling with guilt feeling. Also consider a woman who has little control over herself or doesn’t take responsibility for her actions is not what men consider good partner material.
Many women think because a man had sex with them that he now owes her something. This is a dangerous attitude to have. Or they think that means he is serious about them. This is rarely the case. In the words of Evan Marc Katz, men look for sex and find love, women look for love and find sex.
If you are a woman who is thinking “I slept with him too soon”, don’t panic. It’s not the end of the world and you can fix this mistake. It can’t be done by now cutting him off or talking to him though. That only makes it worse. Too much work for the man too fast.
5 Sure Signs He is Losing Interest
Men do lose interest. It’s a fact. Men can get bored and when they do, they start wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. There are signs that a man is losing interest and if you are seeing these signs, take action now before he decides to mow the lawn of another.
1. His calls and texts are less frequent. If you notice a change in his calling or texting pattern, your boyfriend is losing interests. A man wants to stay in touch with the woman he loves and his patterns will not change. If you feel his calls are out of obligation this is another clue.
2. He starts making plans without you. Maybe a weekend trip with his buddies. If he usually wants to spend most of the weekend with you and now there are other things he wants to fit in, he is working you out of the priority seat slowly but surely this is one of the signs he has lost interest.
3. If when you address any issues or your feelings of him disappearing, he gets defensive or reacts negatively. If a man is thinking of leaving, he will not be comfortable more times than not by offering you reassurance. He will feel guilt which causes one to get defensive. If he defends his change of actions, your boyfriend is losing interest.
4. He says he needs some space. Watch out if you hear this one. The end is near more times than not. If a man say he needs space, he is feeling smothered. Smothered men do not thrive in a relationship ever. The harder you hold on to a man who says he needs space, the further you will push him away.
5. If your boyfriend starts to become distracted with work or some other project, he may be losing interest and this is only an excuse to postpone the inevitable. Men that suddenly become preoccupied with something else often use this as a way to prolong the break up.
If your boyfriend is losing interest and pulling away, the way you respond to this is critical to prevent a break up. If you push him, or put pressure on him, he will see you as needy and less attractive. You can stop a break up or you can insure it happens, it’s all up to you and the steps you take or don’t take. Don’t be one of the many women who wonder why he disappeared.
Have you been feeling like something is off lately or perhaps you are feeling a distance and feeling your boyfriend pulling away? As I have discovered, many women don’t actually recognize it when their boyfriend begins to pull away. The make excuses and justification in their mind about his distance. I have seen it over and over enough to see the writing on the wall long before they do.
It usually starts with less frequency in calling or texting. Perhaps a weekend goes by that he is too busy to see you or he is stressed with work. He begins cancelling dates though he gives you what seems like legitimate reasons. Your gut begins to whisper to you but your head and heart aren’t listening very well.
Signs He Is Pulling Away
- His call and texts become less frequent
- The good morning or good night text stop or slow down
- He is suddenly very busy at work
- He says he has extra stress
- He cancels dates or fails to make them without your prompt
- He is quick to end a phone call or ends dates early
- He seems distracted when you are together
- He stops showing interest in your daily life
When a boyfriend starts pulling away, the natural thing a woman usually does is go into analysis mode. She rehashes the relationship and things of all the things that would suggest that he isn’t pulling away. She may play in her mind recollections of things he has said in the past. Perhaps suggestions of trips or weekend getaways, the times he confessed his love, all the good things about the relationship up until this point. This often keeps her stuck and in a place of denial even though her gut still continues those whispers.
The next step is usually her confrontation in some manner. Perhaps she asks “Is everything okay with us”, to which almost every time his reply will be something along the lines of “yes, I am just busy or stressed” or some other logical reason (excuse). What may actually be going on here is he is stalling.
Why would a man stall? It’s human nature really. I have been guilty of this myself. In a relationship that I wasn’t exactly sure if it was right, but not sure it was wrong either. I cared deeply for someone and hurting them is just not an easy thing to do. I would pull away as an avoidance of that painful conversation or perhaps wasn’t sure I wanted it to be a permanent pull away. Selfish I know, but it is human nature.
If you are wondering is my boyfriend pulling away, stop listening to his words and watch his actions. Is he putting in effort or just giving you lip service? Is he genuinely trying to reassure you or does he just continue to remind you of his stress and how busy he is?
How you react and respond to a boyfriend pulling away is critical. You can push him further away if you handle this poorly or come across as needy. You may give him unknowingly confirmation that he needs to stop pulling away and just pull out completely.
You can read what to do when he pulls away here at What to do if he pulls away.
Do you give men space to step into their masculine energy or do you even know what I am talking about? Learning to create this space for men is something that most men find completely irresistible. I see lots of women stepping into this masculine role. I can certainly understand why. We work, raise kids, and have become very independent as we have evolved. Sometimes so much so that we have forgotten how to just receive.
If you can learn to do this, it can solve many of your dating problems. Allow me to give you an example. Let’s take the top way we seem to communicate now in dating and relating. Texting. Texting alone is a place where many women just stomp all over a man’s masculine energy with their own.
Cindy and Mike have been talking for a few weeks and have been on two dates. Cindy is hoping the relationship will go somewhere and is hoping that Mike will get serious with her. Instead of just leaning back and observing Mikes actions and behavior, she tries to control the outcome. She texts him on Thursdays if he hasn’t made plans and suggest that they see one another. If she hasn’t heard from him by mid morning, she sends him a good morning text message. She texts him goodnight if he doesn’t text her first. She is hoping this will plant herself in his mind, when actually she is taking over his masculine role for him. This doesn’t grow attraction.
If Cindy would just lean back she would know all she needs to know of Mikes intentions. He will step it up or not. This is where a lot of women get stuck. They don’t give a man the space to show her who he is. Instead the project what they want him to be and try to control the outcome. Once you allow a man to show you who he is and actually believe him you will find yourself letting go of many a man that would not make the cut.
This alone can free you up to find the right man as opposed to wasting time on the wrong man. Give men space to step into their masculine energy. Give them the space to pursue. If they don’t take it, you have the wrong man. It’s that simple.
So moral of this story is this. If a man is not stepping it up, don’t do it for him. It won’t help. If he hasn’t asked you out or put effort into getting to know you, let it ride. Don’t rack your brain trying to figure out why or what you can do to get him to step up. Let him step down. He is taking up the space and the right one that will step up into his masculine energy can’t find you.
You can learn why there are some women that men just adore and why here.
When he stops calling you as a woman most likely start that brain into analyze mode. It could have been after one date, a few dates or a few months. Perhaps you haven’t even made it to the date part yet and the guy just stops calling or texting. Radio silence. Oh what to do.
Many want an answer, and explanation. I know many a woman who send that text that says something like “If you don’t want to see me anymore, just tell me”. Or they send a text asking him if he wants to still see her or is he still interested. This is not what to do when he stops calling. This is handing over the terms of the relationship to him and allowing him to dictate your fate.
Remember guys in general do what they want to do. If he is calling you, he wants to. If he is not, well there is your answer. Often even if you ask a guy right out if he is still interested or not he won’t come out and tell you. He tries to spare your feeling so that he can be the nice guy. Most will tell you “sorry, I have just been busy”. They hope you just take the hint. I don’t care how busy a guy is, if he is into you and interested it taking it further, he will make an effort.
The number one reason guys pull away in the first place is often because they feel you becoming invested more than or faster than they have. You can read about why men pull away here. If you start calling them and texting them wanting explanations and clarification you are just reinforcing to them that you are in fact more invested.
So what do you do when he stops calling or texting? Nothing. You do nothing. Give him his space. If he isn’t investing effort into you, why invest it into him. Yes reaching out to find out why or ask him questions or whine or complain is investing. You are investing emotional energy as well. If he can’t bother to call, he certainly isn’t emotionally investing into you. Take back your power and just leave him be for now.
When men stop calling don’t take it personal. They do have a right to change their minds. If you aren’t in a committed relationship with a man, and it’s just been a few dates, accept that this is the way a lot of men deal with loss of interest or lack of feeling it for a woman. They just fade. Consider the fact that you might be better off without such a man. Regardless, you can’t change his feelings and it’s pointless to try.
Save your efforts and energy for a man that doesn’t just disappear and stop calling.
Do you find yourself disappointed often when you start to date a guy and he stops calling or disappears? Do you also find yourself giving more to these guys than they are giving you? Do you wish you could date without getting attached to guys? Oh life would be so much more simple! Understanding why you get attached so easily is the first step to being able to date without getting attached.
Manage Your Expectations
Part of this attachment you experience with guys you date is born from your expectations. You place these expectations of how it should be or how you want it to be on guys that you really don’t know. If it’s just been a few dates or a few months, to place expectations may not be wise. I have discovered at times it’s years before I really know a man. Just because a guy shows some interests and asks you out or keeps in contact does not mean his expectation will be a match to yours. You can read more about expectation in relationships at Expectations in relationship – Are you being unrealistic.
Manage Your Own Emotions
This is a big reason why some women can’t date without getting attached. They can’t manage their own emotions and they look to the guy they are seeing to do it for them. If you have wounds from the past of even from childhood or perhaps trust issues and expect to be handled more delicately because of this, it may be a sign that you aren’t managing your own emotions in a healthy manner and you rely on others for your sense of acceptance and approval. I can’t even count the times I have heard something like this from women. “I told him I had been badly hurt”. First off sharing that much of yourself with a guy you are just dating or really don’t know yet isn’t the wisest of moves. Learn to self nurture and take care of your own needs and not look for a man to assist you in this area will work wonders to help you date without getting attached.
Dating From a Place of Loneliness
If you are feeling a sense of deep loneliness and you attempt dating you have the number one ingredient for a cake I call disaster. If you are struggling with loneliness, you may not be loving yourself enough. I have found that those that truly love self don’t suffer very much from loneliness. Sure we all get lonely at times, but if it consumes you, you may want to work on this before you even try to date. You can read more about the root causes of loneliness here at Why am I so scared to be alone.
From a place of loneliness we don’t make the best decisions. We are trying to fill a void in our hearts. Looking for love in all the wrong places as the song says. We often lower our standards and accept the wrong men from a place of loneliness.
Consider Circular Dating
I know that many women are not comfortable with this concept of circular dating or dating more than one man at the same time. The thing is however, if you are dating different guys, you aren’t as likely to attach to just one. You are just getting to know them, taking your time and observing their behavior and character. Many women have been saved from heartache by adopting to this technique. When the right guy steps up, then you can invest into the man that is also investing into you. You can read more about Circular dating here at Circular dating and why it works to find love.
Do you ever wonder how you keep ending up falling for total jerks? How you feel instant chemistry and suddenly you’re in love with a selfish man who can’t communicate and won’t commit? Have you considered that there’s a reason you always end up in this trap? Go to Why He Disappeared to break the pattern and attract real, lasting love into your life and help you to date without getting attached.
Let’s face it! Confidence is downright sexy! A confident woman is often just irresistible to men. When a man talks about a confident woman he will often say there is just something about her. Do you just wish you knew how to have more confidence with guys?
When it comes to guys do you often find yourself at a loss of what to say or how to act. Do you clam up or perhaps turn into Chatty Cathy and then want to crawl under a rock? Do good looking men ever turn you into what feels like to you a blundering idiot. Do you just wish you knew how to have more confidence with guys?
To be confident with guys you need to be confident with yourself. This means the skin you are in and not when you lose 20 pounds. Having confidence is feeling good about who you are. Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. The women who have a great sense of self love are usually very confident, not just with men but in all areas of life.
So how do you get more confidence with guys? First you have to get confidence with you in general. I have found that the fastest way to do this is to step out of your comfort zone. You can’t get something you don’t have by doing the same things you are doing. You have to do something different.
This something different could come in many forms. Mastering a new skill perhaps. I have a friend who went to Toast Masters which is a public speaking group. When it was all said and done she was standing in front of groups of people speaking and rocking it. She was terrified and nervous as hell when she started. The self confidence she gained by doing this was unbelievable and it flowed into all areas of her life.
I have had friends that took up Belly Dancing. I have heard that was the bomb for building confidence and causes you to feel very sexy! I have taken up hula hooping. I have a custom made hoop and I love it. It took me some time to start to get the hang of it, but I am getting there. It is such a great feeling when you master or accomplish something out of your usual comfort zone. I even posted a video of myself doing it on Youtube. It was empowering way more than it was scary to put myself out there, but it was a huge confidence boost for me.
The key to build confidence is to step out of you comfort zone and detach from the outcome. So what if I get a few haters on my video. I would rather count the people I inspire instead. Do something brave! Do something daring that you haven’t done before or something you always wanted to do. This is how to have more confidence with guys. The confidence you gain will spill over to all areas of you life and it won’t be with just men that you benefit with.
Confident women are the women men adore. Bob Grant in his book The Women Men Adore talks about having confidence and how to be irresistible to the men in your life.
The day has come, you find out that your ex boyfriend is seeing someone else. There is a knot in the pit of your stomach. You had hope that you would get back together with your ex and now you feel more hopeless than ever to get him back. Take a deep breath! What you are feeling is normal. You probably have the urge to react, but resist please.
Your emotions when you find out your ex is seeing someone else can cause you to react. You may want to call him or text him mean things. You may want to hurt him like it’s hurting you or you may just want to hurl yourself in his arms and beg him not to do this to you. Please don’t do any of these things. Decisions and actions from a place of emotion rarely paint us in a favorable light and it surely won’t cause your ex to come back. Quite the opposite in fact it may reinforce why he broke up with you in the first place.
If you have still have hopes of getting your ex back when this happens it rocks your world. Now I won’t say you can’t get an ex back at this point but I will say if he if an ex starts seeing someone else, you may be stuck in the denial stage of your grieving process. So if you can’t act like a raving lunatic when your ex gets a new girlfriend, what can you do?
In answer to this question I am going to share with you wise words from ladies on my forum advising a young lady going through this exact thing. I just can’t say it better myself.
Happy heart at Lovegirltalk forum:
You’re in a very dark place right now and most of us have been there. Please believe me when I say that you need to ride out the pain and that it will get better. It may take a few days before you start to feel a little better but it WILL happen. Sometimes you really do need to fall apart before you can start to piece yourself back together. Sit in the dark, eat ice cream and watch romantic movies while you ball your eyes out! There is no judgement here and a lot of us have given ourselves permission to wallow in our pain and grief for a little while. It can help purge it from your system. A good cry can certainly make you feel a little better and I suggest that you let the tears come!
You refuse to accept the relationship is over and that this is just a phase he’s going through. You have been so determined to hang onto this ex of yours with a death grip that you haven’t even allowed yourself to realise that he is long gone.
And gone he is
You need to realize that he is not your man, he is with this other girl now and that is where he has currently chosen to be. I KNOW it hurts! Everyone here on the forum has had their heart totally smooshed into the carpet at some point but each of us has found enough self-love inside of ourselves to pick ourselves up and move forward. You really need to do the same if you ever want the pain to end.
This relationship is over. Let it go or there is NO CHANCE that he is ever going to want you back. Right now you need the time to heal and get back to being the wonderful woman that first attracted him. You need to go out and start meeting new and better men who will treat you nicely and who will not ignore your texts. It will hurt, God, it will hurt at first! But then it will get better and you will be able to enjoy things again. You can do this!
None of us wanted to have to start over…few people do…but when it is thrust on you what else can you do? Do you want to just lay down and let life kick the crap out of you? If you are so determined to get him back then you need to realize that the only way to win in this situation is to go NC and heal your broken heart. With no contact you have a 50/50 chance of him deciding that he misses you and wants you back OR you go out and meet the great love of your life. In that situation you WIN either way.
My thoughts on the matter to take it a bit deeper:
Please don’t allow a man or anyone for that matter to define your worth. Believe it or not if you really like yourself you can enjoy being alone. When it’s all over but the crying yourself is all you have. Better learn now how to love her. If I may go deep here, your inner child is neglected by you. You are putting her in harms way by staying attached to a man that doesn’t love you. She is a part of you and it’s obvious she needs love, not by a man, but by you.
If he doesn’t want to laugh and love beside you, I promise you there is someone who does who you can actually love more once you learn to love you first. Lack of self love is the number one reason women can’t let go and attach so hard. Do that and you can soar again.
If your ex boyfriend is seeing someone else it is not the end, even though it may feel like it. It’s actually a chance at a new beginning. It’s all in how you look at it. The longer you hold onto a man that isn’t holding onto you, the longer you put your life on hold and block the path of joy not to mention the love that is still out there.