If you have been attracting the wrong kinds of men online dating, it my be your dating profile that could be a big part of the issue. Your online dating profile could be pushing the right guys away and actually inviting the wrong guys to come after you without you even knowing. You might be shocked to know that what you think is normal in your dating profile simply does not appeal to the emotional psychology of men.
Does your online dating profile say “Must be interested in a serious relationship only”
While this may be true and yes you want a serious relationship, this can betray you. Guys that are interested in a serious relationship don’t actually go online looking for a girlfriend or wife. I mean think about the men that you may have received an email from that start straight out the gate pursuing a relationship with you before you even know them. They appear needy and often desperate. You don’t want needy and desperate do you? The good guys, the ones you want to attract go online looking for a date that could turn into something more.
An emotionally stable man will read that and often think that you will try to trap him before he gets to know you. He thinks you are too serious and no fun. He will feel pressure before he even gets past reading your profile and likely pass you by.
On the other hand what saying you want a serious relationship could attract is men who are commitment addicts, as well as players or scammers that will take advantage of you. They use that information to tell you what you want to hear to get sex, money or whatever.
Does your online dating profile say something like “looking for my Prince”
If your profile hints at anything like where are all the good men or princess looking for a prince, you are conveying that you may have an unrealistic look at what relationships are actually about. Men are not as captivated by the Disney movies as women are. This tells a man that you could just be desperate for some romance or worse, that you are high maintenance and he could never make you happy. Real life isn’t a fairy tale and most good responsible men are very aware of this. He passes you by and moves onto someone else.
Does You Online dating profile say something like ” My girlfriend made me do this”.
This one is a scam attractor if I ever saw it. It tells men you don’t have a mind of your own and that you have little self confidence. You just set yourself up to attract predators. Confidence is a must have in your dating profile and this will show loud and clear that you don’t have any and you will attract the wrong kinds of men with this while the good guy again pass you by.
This is just a few of the many dating bloopers that you could have on your profile. If you want to know more please watch this 4 minute video by Michal Fiore. It blew me away. It explains clearly why you very well may be attracting the wrong kinds of men. You can watch it here at Online Allure.
If you have found this article then you are most likely in pain and so overwhelmed that you are seeking help on how to deal with heartbreak. Heartbreak is something that all of us have experienced unless of course we live in a bubble with no human interaction. Not very likely. I too have had to deal with heartbreak and have walked with many a woman through the healing process or sometimes just feeling better for an day or an hour.
One of the first things that one that is going through heartbreak thinks about is getting back together with the one who has broken your heart. You long to be in their arms again. While this is normal and certainly understandable, these thoughts of longings are coming from your pain. Many seem to confuse the love and the pain. The amount of pain appears to reflect the intensity of the love. In reality, perhaps the two aren’t exactly related. The love you feel for him or her is still there. It’s the dream of a life together that is gone.
If you are honest with yourself, the desire to have him back in your arms is to ease the pain. Often this is when many lose their self control and do some unproductive things that end up pushing this love of yours further away. This is why it is so important to learn how to deal with heartbreak before you do more damage to an already demised relationship. Reacting from a place of pain may feel right to you, but to others, it screams of desperation.
Understanding the Stages of Heartbreak
Heartbreak if very much like grieving death
Denial and Shock
This is the time of disbelief. This is when we just aren’t capable of any rational thoughts. We often look for tiny bits of hope during this phase that the relationship can be salvaged or the breakup is not permanent. This is when you feel the need to let him know how much he hurt you. You may want to call or text him that you miss him. Don’t.
Angry at your ex (how could he do this), anger at God, (why me, why do I always get hurt). Anger at others, (how could my friend still be friends with him after what he did to me). This is often the stage where you want to text him or send give him a piece of your mind. Don’t.
This is when you bargain with yourself, God or perhaps even bargain with your ex. You make claims to do what it takes to reconcile the relationship. You will get help, seek counseling, stop being jealous, whatever it takes.
The depression in heartbreak is often from a feeling of hopelessness. There seems to be nothing you can do to change or alter the outcome. It’s over, said and done. This is the time that many go into isolation, sleep a lot, eat too little or too much and just have no drive to do much of anything.
You begin to have moments of being at peace with the breakup. The sadness may still come and go, but you actually wake up and don’t feel paralyzed by the pain. You begin to laugh again. You are smiling again and it doesn’t feel like your gut is being ripped out when you hear his name. You begin to let go and move forward with your life again.
Victim or Warrior in Your Heartbreak
Knowing these signs can help. Understanding that you will move through them in no particular order and bounce back and forth. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry and get it out. Feel the emotions. Know that the pain will lessen. I know it doesn’t help to tell you that this too will pass, but it will.
I have worked with many a woman through heartbreak. Many struggle with how to deal with heartbreak. Some breeze through it and some take longer. I have often question what the difference is between the woman that stays stuck for years over the woman that begins to move on in a few months. While I don’t have exact answers to this, I do have some insight.
The woman that already seems to know how to deal with heartbreak often has what I call a warrior heart. She realizes she has a choice over continuing to see herself as a victim or as a Warrior and she makes the choice to be a Warrior. She looks for lessons, not excuses. She seeks support, not sympathy. She loves herself enough to know that fixing what is broken may not serve her after all. She realizes that not getting what she wants is not the end, but often the beginning.
Our first instinct is to fix what is broken. If that includes changing who you are to accommodate or get love, she just isn’t willing. If it means settling and great sacrifice, she opts out and puts her own heart first. She strives to forgive herself and her ex lover for what was done or not done. She realizes that love is often about letting go, not holding on.
If you are at the stage where all you can think about is getting him back, please understand that often going back while you are still in pain or to ease your pain is likely to end up just prolonging the inevitable, the demise of the relationship. Take the time to heal and get your emotions under control and then decide if this relationship is really worth salvaging. Sometimes reconciliation is possible, and you can read more about when and how that happens over time here.
Women stress about this subject. They often ask me how long should you wait to have sex. They worry if they have sex too soon, he will disappear. One wise dating guru I know says 10 dates. If he is into you he will wait. That’s all fine and well and while I don’t think it’s a bad idea, I think there is too much placed on the importance of sex and what it means.
Women naturally feel closer to the man after sex, while men feel closer to the woman before sex. It’s a chemical thing. Oh the Gods! What a cruel joke. Actually it’s to ensure we continue to multiply so I get it, but still. Picture this. It’s a first date and there has been dynamic sexual tension all night. He feels really intune with her. She isn’t sure, but she has sex any way. Now after wards, thanks to the Gods, she now feels connected. Women who feel connected start to share. He isn’t feeling so connected now. See how this can turn him off and make him disappear.
That being said, it’s really how you act after sex that counts. If you behave like you are now in a relationship and start do girlfriend things, you may scare him off. This tells him not only is it easy to sleep with you, it’s easy to win your heart. That’s the key to this all. It’s your heart. While yes your body is sacred, it’s your heart that holds the true value of who you are. It’s this that makes him disappear more so than the fact you had sex too soon.
A man can sense the reasons for you having sex. He knows if you are doing it just to please him and he knows if you are doing it from a place of desperation or loneliness. A woman who knows her own heart and mind and it’s value gives off a completely different vibe. If after sex she isn’t eager to jump into a relationship because sex does not qualify him alone, she gains and maintains his respect. He senses she isn’t convinced yet that he is boyfriend material and this throws him for a loop. Most women are the opposite.
Another mistake women make after they sleep with a man is they apologize and try to tell the man this isn’t something they usually do. Save it. He won’t believe it. He has heard it before. You are an adult, take responsibility for what you did and don’t act like it’s something terrible. It won’t make him feel very good that is for sure. It may make him feel guilt and you can bet he probably will disappear and won’t sleep with you again. The path to a man’s heart is how you make him feel.
If you don’t know the value of your self, or if you are unsure of his intentions and this matters to you, then waiting is probably best. Understand this though. It may be months before you can be sure of his intentions, maybe longer. If you have had more men disappear than stay, it may be a good idea to take that 10 date rule until you learn how to judge a man’s intentions more clearly or be at ease if his intentions don’t match yours.
When deciding how long should you wait to have sex, think of it this way. Sex isn’t really the issue so much. The real issue is not how long should you wait to have sex. The issue is your heart. Some think with holding sex is being hard to get. It’s not really. Hard to get is with holding your heart until he has given you proof that he knows how to handle it with care. This should be your focus, not the sex. Sex will not get or keep a man.
In the beginning of the dating process it’s a good rule to not pay much attention to what they say but more of what they do. This is true for all stages of dating. Guys have been know to tell you what they think you want to hear. If you want to know the signs he is falling for you, it’s in his actions, rarely in his words.
A guy that is falling for you will stay in contact. He will not go missing in actions for days or weeks. He won’t take the chance that someone else will snatch you up. He will call almost daily, and text you often. If he is not doing this, take it as a sign he is not yet there or falling for you.
Other signs he is falling for you are securing time with you and not leaving it up to chance, securing time in advance and not at the last minute, and securing time alone with you. If he is doing these things, chances are good he is falling for you.
A guy that is falling in love with you will take you out among his peers and friends. He will be proud to be seen with you. He will not limit dates to just your place or his. If you find yourself always hanging out at his place or yours, you are more than likely just a friend with benefits, someone to occupy his time until he finds the one. You will not feel like an option, but more like a priority in his life.
One of the big signs a guy is falling for you is he will want to do little things for you. He wants to be your hero. It may be simple things like change a light bulb, bring you lunch by, bring you flowers even if they came from his front yard. A guy that is into you will bend over backwards to make you smile.
Another one of the signs he is falling for you is he shares with you. He tells you about his day, his friends, his family. You notice that he is slowly including you into his life.
It happens all the time, we are with a guy doing the guessing game and then one day he just starts pulling back and we feel the distance. Is there anything we can do to make him fall for us, what is it about some women that the men just always seem to fall for them. Stop guessing and learn to be the kind of woman men adore.
If you are reading this, I hope you are not doing so because you have fallen victim to an online dating predator. I hope that you are reading this because you want to avoid these predatory men. I am writing this because I am very aware as a dating coach that many women are vulnerable and seeking love and are often the target of dating predators. Until we can find a way to stop them, I hope to educate some on how to spot these online dating predators and avoid heartbreak and financial loss.
I am not on a dating site at the moment, but I get my fair share on Facebook. They aren’t limited to just dating sites. Regardless of where you encounter this scamming man, the signs are the same. Once you learn these signs, spotting an online dating predator will come naturally.
- They often are self employed or engineers. The travel over seas for work. The may claim to live in your area, but for some reason are on a job in another country.
- They are often widowed
- They often play themselves as the single father and their pictures include these adorable children
- Bad spelling and grammar. English is often Not their native language
- Professional pictures. Online dating predators often don’t use their own pictures. If he looks like a model, beware.
- They start out with looking for a relationship or wife. Seriously, men really don’t do this.
- The escalate to endearments very quickly. They tell you they are falling in love in a matter of a couple of weeks.
- They want to move you off the site and to instant messaging or texting immediately.
Now note, some online dating predators appear to have excellent grammar and spelling in their profiles and this can be because they simply copied and pasted their profile together from other dating sites from other men. Some that are more advanced will talk to you on the phone. If the area code it the same as yours, this is not a sign necessarily that he is legit. With technology today, phone numbers can be masked. If you do get on the phone with one, listen for an accent.
One sure way to spot an online dating predator is to do a reverse image search in Google. Below is a video that will show you this simple process of how I have recently detected two of these online dating scammers.
If you have attracted this men in your online dating, it very well could be a few things in your profile that unknowing to you actually attract them. You can read about it here at 3 online dating profile bloopers that attract the wrong men.
If you have any more tips on how to spot these guys, please share in the comments below so we can help others not fall prey. If you know a way to stop them or slow them down, please share that too!
This is a common question with women in my world. The start seeing a guy and feel a strong connection and they feel this urge to tell him how they feel. Now there are the many that will tell you if you ask should I tell him how I feel, that of course you should. If you have feelings or love someone, tell them. Oh this advice makes me shiver considering most of the time when a woman wants to tell a man how she feels or tell a man that she loves him, it’s because she is hoping for him to reciprocate. It’s rarely out of this unselfish need to share.
If she tells him how she feels or tells him that she loves him, and she gets this deer in the headlights look, or a thank you or worse, nothing at all, she is going to be disappointed. He is going to most likely pull away, and it’s over before it had a chance to even begin. If you are on a date you now have the rest of the night in awkwardness.
Most women want to tell a man how they feel because on some level, they have this hope that he feels the same way and this will cause him to tell her right back. They don’t know where they stand and they feel this is the way to find out. If you want to know how a man feels or is a man falling in love with you, watch his actions. Don’t ignore the flags. We women when we start catching this love bug or feel this huge connection do tend to accept things or ignore things that we would never do with a guy we weren’t into. We all know this is true.
So how do you know he is developing feelings for you? After a date does he call you by the next day and tell you he had a great time and wants to see you again. Is he consistently making plans and keeping in touch? Is he introducing you to his friends and family and including you in his daily life? Are you a major part of his weekend? Does he want to tell you about his day and express a real interest in yours? If so, he is most likely falling and if you hold out a bit longer, he will be the first to tell you how he feels and ask you to be exclusive.
If he is only communicating by texts, sees you at the last minute, just wants to hook up or hang out, doesn’t include you on weekend plans then it’s highly likely he isn’t on the same page as you. Telling him how you feel will not change it. He isn’t going to instantly get feeling for you because you have them for him.
If a guy is really excited about you he will put in the effort to win you over and this means consistent effort, not a last minute phone call or text asking you to meet him. Next time you are wondering should I tell him how I feel, use your head and not your heart and think about is he showing the signs of a man falling in love? If not, pull back and stop investing your heart into a man who is not investing his into you.
Why is the reason the no contact rule works? It’s really quite simple and it’s a lot about human nature. Applying the no contact rule after a breakup gives both parties a chance to calm the emotions. I am sure you have heard that it is never a good idea to react from a place of emotion. You simply can’t trust yourself because you have shut your brain off and can’t see reason when you are in pain from a break up. The pain from a break up does not end in just a few days or weeks. It takes time.
In the beginning of a break up, the emotions run high. The main focus is on what went wrong and the bad feelings. The party that initiated the breakup may feel anger. The most recent thing on their mind is the bad stuff and reasons for the breakup. Note here many relationships just aren’t meant to be reconciled. Others though often can be after a period of no contact. Forget that 30 day no contact rule. 30 days is not the magic number. Most couples that get back together with success do so months, even years down the road.
You see over time, after the emotions calm, one really does tend to start remembering the good feelings and the bad feelings take a back seat. It’s just human nature. If you have recently broken up and you remain in contact all you are doing is reminding them of the bad times because it is the freshest in their minds. They may also begin to question the ways that they had contributed to the demise of a relationship after time has passed. It is rare that this happens just weeks after a breakup. If you are hoping to get back together after a brief period of no contact it may likely be for all the wrong reasons.
A wise woman on my forum said this best. “Right now, you are feeling sad, and missing him, so if you were to try and get him back into your life, you would be doing so from a place of weakness (lonely and missing him), as opposed to a place of strength (your life is great, and you’ve decided that having him back in it would add even more value).” I can’t say it any better than this.
The no contact rule works because it gives both of you time to process and get some self control. How effective do you think you will be crying and asking those million questions you have in your mind. Not very, I promise you that. After a break up you just don’t have the self control that you would need to reconcile from a healthy place. Many find after their heads have cleared that they really don’t want their ex back anyway. Either way, it’s a win win.
So find all your patience and practice the no contact rule as long as you can. Usually if it is meant to be, fate steps in and your paths cross again. In the meantime, read Bob Grant’s book that goes in to great detail of how the no contact rule works and exactly what you should do as a last resort. I can honestly say that book has saved me and many other women from making an ass out of ourselves and looking like a crazy woman.
Do men like a challenge? Many women complain that men are just lazy anymore. They say the men want women to chase them. They say if they don’t make the moves, there would be no relationship at times. This of course is not being a challenge to men. They key word here though is men. Real men, emotionally healthy, ready for a relationship men do like a challenge. If you are dealing with a lazy man, may I suggest he is more of a boy?
Men like a challenge. They love competition. Most love sports and get all excited about the competition part of sports. They bet and they love to win. It’s their nature. If a woman is a challenge to a man, he sees her as valuable. The more effort he puts into winning your heart, the more special he feels. It also adds some serious cement to a relationship if the man sees the value of his woman. It’s okay to challenge a man as long as you keep letting him know he is or has a chance at winning! When thinking do men like a challenge, well do men like to win?
Many women think when I say to be a challenge, I mean playing games sort of like playing hard to get. You can be a challenge without denying your feelings for a man. You can be a challenge and not deceive him by things like pretending you are doing something when you are not to appear less available. You can just be a challenge. Think of challenge as a noun, not a verb.
Some have the perception that to challenge a man requires that a woman hold back on her feelings. This is not the case. It’s not how a femininely graceful woman would do. A woman with feminine grace will always be true to herself and be able to challenge him, yet show her feelings at the same time. Ah, a fine art. A woman that knows herself knows how to challenge a man naturally.
You don’t have to hold back on your feelings as a dear friend of mine has put it below. Don’t hold back on your feelings, feel them, <i>BUT, do hold back a little bit on the information. Keep some cards hidden. Don’t tell them EVERYTHING all at once. Portion it out to last more than the first few months.</i>
I think too much information all at one time sometimes gets lost. If you control the speed of ‘getting to know you…really know you” it increases the mystery, makes them wonder what else there is to know.
I’m not talking about holding back on the deep dark secrets. Or hiding anything that should be put on the table. But rather saving little interesting bits, the smile stories, the wonderful things that make your life complete and sharing these a few at a time.
It’s the difference between having a small treat at grandpa’s every Wednesday, and waking up Christmas morning with a stocking full of all your favorites. Which ones do you really remember now? Personally, I remember the butterscotch’s and licorice at my grandfathers vividly and not much about the Christmas morning candy. in other words, how to challenge a man is by not giving him everything too fast, but giving him little bits that inspire him to want to know more. A man inspired will rise to the challenge.
Sometimes being a challenge isn’t about what you do, but what you don’t do. Being a challenge is about being yourself and true to yourself. Where women stop being a challenge is when they start sacrificing their wants and needs above his. To be a challenge is simple really. You just don’t do this.It’s not about what you do that makes you a challenge, but more about what you won’t do that makes you a challenge. The more a man watches you stand your ground, the more he respects you, the more he values you and he sees you as a challenge, period. YOU are the challenge. Challenge becomes a noun instead of a verb.<a style=”color: blue; margin-left: -2em;”><</a>
Sometimes being a challenge isn’t about what you do, but what you don’t do. Being a challenge is about being yourself and true to yourself. Where women stop being a challenge is when they start sacrificing their wants and needs above his. To be a challenge is simple really. You just don’t do this.It’s not about what you do that makes you a challenge, but more about what you won’t do that makes you a challenge. The more a man watches you stand your ground, the more he respects you, the more he values you and he sees you as a challenge, period. YOU are the challenge. Challenge becomes a noun instead of a verb.
Here are a few things that you may not do for example. You won’t be a late night booty call, you are asleep and don’t answer the phone more than likely. You won’t get out of bed to drive him to the Airport at 4 am Monday morning for a man you have only dated for a few months and have no commitment with. You won’t do his laundry or cook a 5 course meal. The list goes on and on, but it involves on key thing. You don’t sacrifice too much to please him. You won’t step into discomfort for a man. Challenging a man isn’t about playing games, it’s more about just be who you are and not jump through hoops to do what you think he wants you to do.
There are pages and pages and pages of descriptions about how to spot a narcissist online for anyone who cares to search. Unfortunately, most women (and yes, it’s usually women) who search for information on spotting narcissists are already suffering from the effects of falling for their fake charm and their confusing and intensely painful emotional manipulation and cruelty.
But for all the women out there who have not yet met a narcissist or have just met someone they’re not sure about, there are some important indicators to look out for when meeting and screening a new man.
There is a common belief that only women of a certain kind end up in abusive relationships, ie low in self esteem, needy, weak. But according to Sandra L. Brown M.A., author of “Women who love Psychopaths”, extensive profiling done tells a very different story. In fact, the common denominators are exceptionally high levels of empathy, competitive, high achievers. In fact such women are often targeted as they make incredibly valuable “sources” for the narcissist.
A ‘source’ is anyone who feeds the narcissist’s incessant need for adoration, admiration, control and power. People are objects to the narcissist. He does not care about them in the way most human beings care for others. He only cares about what he can gain by associating with someone, whether that is social validation or credibility, money, sex, professional connections or just plain ego boosting. A narcissist can also enjoy having someone around over whom he has great power, just because he enjoys the power and control. For a while, anyway, until he tires of their ‘whining’ and ‘whingeing’.
Narcissists are not people anyone really wants to get involved with. Their crazy making communication, gas lighting, remorseless manipulation and basic nastiness and cruelty, leaves their victims traumatized and damaged, until such time they can eventually heal. Spotting a narcissist, therefore, is very important and a valuable tool for protecting your heart, your money, your sanity, or your physical safety.
What are the warning signs of a narcissist?
Before anything, you are going to have to learn to develop and absolutely TRUST your most valuable and precious gift, your gut and intuition. This is God’s gift to women (not your narcissist), so please develop it and learn to discern the difference between your fears and insecurities and your intuition. There is no other BETTER protector. And the narcissist will know this and will do whatever he can to undermine your faith in it.
Lesson # 1 to Spot a Narcissist:
When your intuition tell you something isn’t right, LISTEN to it! Listen to it and check things out, but NEVER confront the narcissist because he will use that to confuse, deflect, demean, belittle and dismiss you, so if you’re remotely suspicious, just listen and watch and keep it to yourself until you have enough evidence to satisfy you.
If, however, you don’t suspect already, but want a guide on screening men generally, then listen very carefully to everything a man says in those first few dates, before he has his guard fully up. A narcissist is known to actually TELL his victims what he’s like in the early days. This is his way of testing how much you will “take”, how easily he can manipulate you.
This is important for screening ANY man because men open up much more in those early days. Developing the skill to casually ask pertinent questions without the man feeling interviewed or interrogated AND actively listening to his answers is extremely valuable.
So if he says things that make your stomach turn, DON’T ignore it! Listen to your gut, your intuition and don’t push away those red flags. Allow them to wave, store the information until you have enough to make a confident decision either way.
Lesson # 2 to Spot a Narcissist:
Refer to the first para of Lesson 1 ; if the man you’re seeing EVER does those things to you, particularly when you’re trying to state your feelings or your needs, then stop trying to gain his kindness, his approval or his respect, and instead walk away. No good man will purposely confuse you or belittle you – only a man who needs to feel superior, powerful and IN CONTROL, does that kind of thing, and none of it is good. Nor is it excusable, not even just a little bit. You ‘allow’ a man to treat you like that he’ll go on doing it. Allow a narcissist to do that and he’ll use it mercilessly to control and manipulate you. This is not a ‘3 strikes and you’re out’ scenario. It’s a major red flag when a man behaves like this, so excuse it or dismiss it at your peril.
Lesson # 3 to Spot a Narcissist:
Have a healthy air of scepticism towards any man who commands an almost trance-like chemistry and attraction, ie like he sees into your soul. Trust me, he CAN see into your soul, not because he’s gifted or special, but because he knows what ‘normal’ human beings are like and he knows that he just has to do a little fishing to find the weak spots, the insecurities, the fears….so as to manipulate you. And because most human beings are “decent” and have “normal” emotional impulses, reactions, values etc., he usually doesn’t have to fish for long. The older he is, the better he will be at this, too, so double watch out if you middle aged or thereabouts.
Lesson # 4 to Spot a Narcissist:
This man moves fast and charms his way into your heart and life very quickly if he’s allowed to. Many women spend so much time yearning to meet “the one” that when a man enters their life, when the chemistry is intense, when he is attentive and charming, they just can’t help but be completely swept off their feet.
Reality is, though, that this behaviour is most definitely a red flag. Even if the man isn’t a narcissist, it’s not ‘healthy’ for a man to rush things so much. It doesn’t matter how ‘exciting’ it is for an attractive and charming man to want to claim a woman so quickly, it just isn’t right. None of us can know someone well enough in a matter of weeks to know that they are ‘the one”. In reality, it’s not even really possible to truly love a person so quickly. It’s very possible, of course, for the chemistry to be off the charts and for the attraction to be intense, but true love is about loving the person for who they are and how is that possible when you’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks?
If you really want to know what a man is about when he’s like this, test him. How? Slow the pace down. Don’t come off the internet, don’t agree to exclusivity, don’t buy into the girlfriend title too early, don’t reciprocate with assertions of love. Most you will find will not react well to this. Some will disappear without notice. And they tend to do it very quickly. This may seem disappointing to you, but bear in mind that he just failed your test – of his emotional maturity and the health of his boundaries.
So keep your emotions in check when things are very new. You should be in observation mode when you first meet a man, not getting carried away with fantasies of him being ‘the one’. Dream, by all means, but remember that narcissists are renowned for sweeping women off their feet and being model lovers and boyfriends in the early days. It is one of their greatest tactics. It’s designed to get the women to fall in love quickly and then when he pulls the rug from under her feet, she’s totally shocked and bewildered – and hurt. She is then beautifully vulnerable to his manipulation and ongoing abuse.
Lesson # 5 to Spot a Narcissist:
Narcissists and psychopaths are renowned for being ‘chameleons of society’, ie they can change ‘colour’ to suit their environment/company. Given that narcissists are also chronic liars, they are likely to be extremely ‘private’ about their past and their present-day life. So if you find your man secretive to the extreme, then consider that a red flag. In this day of Google and internet searches, use it to either support what you have been told, or not, as the case may be. Narcissists will not want their exploits to be covered on the internet, not unless it’s business success or something similar. It’s the personal stuff they will be secretive about. You might find stories don’t ‘match’ or quite stack up, too.
Basically, anything that suggests he’s hiding stuff from you or is outright lying should be seen as a red flag and should be taken seriously. Again, your intuition will tell you this if you’re listening well enough, so pay heed to any churning and again, don’t raise these things such that he will be alerted. You will not get a straight or open answer and will end up feeling very confused – AND very bad for questioning him. He will see to that.
Always remember that a narcissist is not encumbered by values, principles, honour or integrity. He does not CARE about those things and sees them as weaknesses in ‘ordinary’ people – perfect for him to exploit. You are not dealing with a ‘normal’ person, so take care and have your wits about you. Don’t assume all men you meet are narcissists, but when that intuition starts going, listen very carefully and make your decisions wisely, choosing your own well being over his.
This blog post was written by Janice Hoad. Janice is an expert adviser at Love Girl Talk Forum. She is called Archeress there and rightfully so. She is known for her spot on advise and insight and ability to shoot straight to the heart of the matter. Thank you Janice.
If you need help breaking up with a Narcissist, you can click here.
This post is based on some of the teachings of David Dieda about opening your heart to love again, especially after a break up or tough time. I am one of his biggest fans. It also incorporates my own life experiences and my many aha moments. It comes from my truth of opening your heart to love, as I know it and am learning to live it, one minute at a time.
Today you are alive. Your heart is beating. One day though, no matter how many material things you possess or accomplishments you have achieved, your heart will stop, your breathe will cease and you will exist no more. Are you ready and have you given your deepest gifts, the gifts from your heart? Have you lived in your truth?
A well lived life embraces death. A well lived life gives without holding back, receives love without question and does not push or pull away. Life lived for the sake of materialism, status, or selfishness will leave you at the end of your day unfulfilled, lonely and empty. Love fully and die.
Are you ready to begin opening your heart to love again?
All people are equal, each expresses a different degree of presence and radiance depending on their openness at the moment. Sometimes after years of life’s blows, a person can develop habits of closure that are not easy to release. Their guarded heart is a protection against further pain and hinders their would be gifts of love, closing your heart to love again.
If your true gifts have been lost in the struggle with life’s demands, you are in pain. Love not given hurts. Love not offered sears the heart. Love not expressed sucks your strength. When you meet a person who is of greater openness and giving love freely, you closure stands in stark relief. Feeling th choices you have made of security and self guardedness you are very aware of your yearning heart, lost time and ungiven gifts, you can either surrender open and receive the force of superior openness or remain closed.
When you meet a superior man or woman, your only real choices are to open fully and receive their gifts or to crucify them and be relieved of their force. To grow you must learn to absorb their intensity of openness that would otherwise simply make you feel how crippled you are.
To Open Your Heart of Close It
You are either withholding your love in fear or giving your deepest gifts.
Right now and in every now moment you are either closing or opening. You are either waiting for something, more money, more security, more affection or you are living from your deep heart and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without WAITING.
If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding back you are suffering. The way love moves you is your true destiny as long as you don’t add fear to love’s force, your life unfolds unimpeded.
If you add fear to your life as most people do, and wait to fully open, then your heart aches as your life curls into the shape of your chosen consolations and your heart’s pains of closure slowly accumulates to unbearable.
Few men and women live their true destiny. Most follow a path bent by fear. Your true destinly is lived by giving everything and loving open without WAITING.
It is impossible for fear and love to exist together.
Right now you are choosing to open and give fully or you are waiting?
How does your choice feel?
How would you live if you were fearless, if you lived your life as an expression of your deepest heart?
Open Your Heart Through Intimacy
When you think of opening your heart to intimacy, you probably think of two lovers embraced, naked and uninhibited. Intimacy is so much more and can be experienced in every day life with many people if you are open. When you let others in without fear, the imtimacy follows. Not much more satisfies the thirst of your soul like the joy of imtimacy.
My aha moment happened a few months ago. I had gashed my arm open. I was in a public place. A man came to my rescue that I did not know. He got a napkin and held it on my bleeding arm and led me outside to his truck which was complete with a first aid kit. I did not speak, he spoke very little. He cleaned my wound gently and applied a bandage. Words were not needed. I was in awe of the kindness of this man. He was open. That was intimacy. My heart was opened wide in that moment.
This moment may have gone unnoticed had I not been in a place of pain in my life. When you are in pain, joy has a tendancy to rear it’s beautiful head. Not that it’s not there all along, we just don’t notice. When you are in pain, your soul is seeking healing and subconciously you draw the joys of life into your heart and the healing begins and the path ahead is seen with clarity.
Since that night, I have found it everywhere but mostly because I made that choice to become aware. Being aware of the presence and the essence of others around me has caused my world to expand. Opportunities to give and recieve are in my path daily. Were they there all along? Yes, but I was closed and could not see them.
You have a choice. You can give others the gift of your openness or the clench of your refusal. Which choice will you make?
The Guarded Heart Opening Your Heart to Love
Recently I ran across a post on a women’s forum. Seems a woman had met a open man with a very brave heart. She was falling for him and he for her, they were opening to one another. Well fate steps in and he finds out he will be transferred far away in a year or so. The advice to her was interesting. The majority of replies said guard your heart at all cost. Don’t get anymore involved, cut it now.
One poster had a different outlook it would seem.
Ok, you can look at this in a couple of ways. You know if you stay you risk the chance of falling in love and being hurt in a year. You of course can protect your heart and end it now, seems the logical thing to do right.
Maybe not. There is always the risk of being hurt regardless of circumstance. We have no control over this. Every time you choose love, you also choose to risk pain. The only difference here is you know the outcome. You are blessed with a crystal ball so to speak. I say love him with reckless abandonment. Why would you deprive yourself of this moment in time. So much to learn here. Don’t miss this opportunity, it may not come again.
What is the saying, it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I go with that.
I refuse to run around in life worried about if I am going to be hurt or not, what a miserable life. Oh and all the joys you miss doing this. Not for me. If I knew I had a year of bliss but was going to be very sad at the end, I would still go for it, but that’s me.
Living Your Truth
Knowing the truth is useless, feeling it is profound, living it is life changing.