Do men like a challenge? Many women complain that men are just lazy anymore. They say the men want women to chase them. They say if they don’t make the moves, there would be no relationship at times. This of course is not being a challenge to men. They key word here though is men. Real men, emotionally healthy, ready for a relationship men do like a challenge. If you are dealing with a lazy man, may I suggest he is more of a boy?
Men like a challenge. They love competition. Most love sports and get all excited about the competition part of sports. They bet and they love to win. It’s their nature. If a woman is a challenge to a man, he sees her as valuable. The more effort he puts into winning your heart, the more special he feels. It also adds some serious cement to a relationship if the man sees the value of his woman. It’s okay to challenge a man as long as you keep letting him know he is or has a chance at winning! When thinking do men like a challenge, well do men like to win?
Many women think when I say to be a challenge, I mean playing games sort of like playing hard to get. You can be a challenge without denying your feelings for a man. You can be a challenge and not deceive him by things like pretending you are doing something when you are not to appear less available. You can just be a challenge. Think of challenge as a noun, not a verb.
Some have the perception that to challenge a man requires that a woman hold back on her feelings. This is not the case. It’s not how a femininely graceful woman would do. A woman with feminine grace will always be true to herself and be able to challenge him, yet show her feelings at the same time. Ah, a fine art. A woman that knows herself knows how to challenge a man naturally.
You don’t have to hold back on your feelings as a dear friend of mine has put it below. Don’t hold back on your feelings, feel them, <i>BUT, do hold back a little bit on the information. Keep some cards hidden. Don’t tell them EVERYTHING all at once. Portion it out to last more than the first few months.</i>
I think too much information all at one time sometimes gets lost. If you control the speed of ‘getting to know you…really know you” it increases the mystery, makes them wonder what else there is to know.
I’m not talking about holding back on the deep dark secrets. Or hiding anything that should be put on the table. But rather saving little interesting bits, the smile stories, the wonderful things that make your life complete and sharing these a few at a time.
It’s the difference between having a small treat at grandpa’s every Wednesday, and waking up Christmas morning with a stocking full of all your favorites. Which ones do you really remember now? Personally, I remember the butterscotch’s and licorice at my grandfathers vividly and not much about the Christmas morning candy. in other words, how to challenge a man is by not giving him everything too fast, but giving him little bits that inspire him to want to know more. A man inspired will rise to the challenge.
Sometimes being a challenge isn’t about what you do, but what you don’t do. Being a challenge is about being yourself and true to yourself. Where women stop being a challenge is when they start sacrificing their wants and needs above his. To be a challenge is simple really. You just don’t do this.It’s not about what you do that makes you a challenge, but more about what you won’t do that makes you a challenge. The more a man watches you stand your ground, the more he respects you, the more he values you and he sees you as a challenge, period. YOU are the challenge. Challenge becomes a noun instead of a verb.<a style=”color: blue; margin-left: -2em;”><</a>
Sometimes being a challenge isn’t about what you do, but what you don’t do. Being a challenge is about being yourself and true to yourself. Where women stop being a challenge is when they start sacrificing their wants and needs above his. To be a challenge is simple really. You just don’t do this.It’s not about what you do that makes you a challenge, but more about what you won’t do that makes you a challenge. The more a man watches you stand your ground, the more he respects you, the more he values you and he sees you as a challenge, period. YOU are the challenge. Challenge becomes a noun instead of a verb.
Here are a few things that you may not do for example. You won’t be a late night booty call, you are asleep and don’t answer the phone more than likely. You won’t get out of bed to drive him to the Airport at 4 am Monday morning for a man you have only dated for a few months and have no commitment with. You won’t do his laundry or cook a 5 course meal. The list goes on and on, but it involves on key thing. You don’t sacrifice too much to please him. You won’t step into discomfort for a man. Challenging a man isn’t about playing games, it’s more about just be who you are and not jump through hoops to do what you think he wants you to do.
There are pages and pages and pages of descriptions about how to spot a narcissist online for anyone who cares to search. Unfortunately, most women (and yes, it’s usually women) who search for information on spotting narcissists are already suffering from the effects of falling for their fake charm and their confusing and intensely painful emotional manipulation and cruelty.
But for all the women out there who have not yet met a narcissist or have just met someone they’re not sure about, there are some important indicators to look out for when meeting and screening a new man.
There is a common belief that only women of a certain kind end up in abusive relationships, ie low in self esteem, needy, weak. But according to Sandra L. Brown M.A., author of “Women who love Psychopaths”, extensive profiling done tells a very different story. In fact, the common denominators are exceptionally high levels of empathy, competitive, high achievers. In fact such women are often targeted as they make incredibly valuable “sources” for the narcissist.
A ‘source’ is anyone who feeds the narcissist’s incessant need for adoration, admiration, control and power. People are objects to the narcissist. He does not care about them in the way most human beings care for others. He only cares about what he can gain by associating with someone, whether that is social validation or credibility, money, sex, professional connections or just plain ego boosting. A narcissist can also enjoy having someone around over whom he has great power, just because he enjoys the power and control. For a while, anyway, until he tires of their ‘whining’ and ‘whingeing’.
Narcissists are not people anyone really wants to get involved with. Their crazy making communication, gas lighting, remorseless manipulation and basic nastiness and cruelty, leaves their victims traumatized and damaged, until such time they can eventually heal. Spotting a narcissist, therefore, is very important and a valuable tool for protecting your heart, your money, your sanity, or your physical safety.
What are the warning signs of a narcissist?
Before anything, you are going to have to learn to develop and absolutely TRUST your most valuable and precious gift, your gut and intuition. This is God’s gift to women (not your narcissist), so please develop it and learn to discern the difference between your fears and insecurities and your intuition. There is no other BETTER protector. And the narcissist will know this and will do whatever he can to undermine your faith in it.
Lesson # 1 to Spot a Narcissist:
When your intuition tell you something isn’t right, LISTEN to it! Listen to it and check things out, but NEVER confront the narcissist because he will use that to confuse, deflect, demean, belittle and dismiss you, so if you’re remotely suspicious, just listen and watch and keep it to yourself until you have enough evidence to satisfy you.
If, however, you don’t suspect already, but want a guide on screening men generally, then listen very carefully to everything a man says in those first few dates, before he has his guard fully up. A narcissist is known to actually TELL his victims what he’s like in the early days. This is his way of testing how much you will “take”, how easily he can manipulate you.
This is important for screening ANY man because men open up much more in those early days. Developing the skill to casually ask pertinent questions without the man feeling interviewed or interrogated AND actively listening to his answers is extremely valuable.
So if he says things that make your stomach turn, DON’T ignore it! Listen to your gut, your intuition and don’t push away those red flags. Allow them to wave, store the information until you have enough to make a confident decision either way.
Lesson # 2 to Spot a Narcissist:
Refer to the first para of Lesson 1 ; if the man you’re seeing EVER does those things to you, particularly when you’re trying to state your feelings or your needs, then stop trying to gain his kindness, his approval or his respect, and instead walk away. No good man will purposely confuse you or belittle you – only a man who needs to feel superior, powerful and IN CONTROL, does that kind of thing, and none of it is good. Nor is it excusable, not even just a little bit. You ‘allow’ a man to treat you like that he’ll go on doing it. Allow a narcissist to do that and he’ll use it mercilessly to control and manipulate you. This is not a ‘3 strikes and you’re out’ scenario. It’s a major red flag when a man behaves like this, so excuse it or dismiss it at your peril.
Lesson # 3 to Spot a Narcissist:
Have a healthy air of scepticism towards any man who commands an almost trance-like chemistry and attraction, ie like he sees into your soul. Trust me, he CAN see into your soul, not because he’s gifted or special, but because he knows what ‘normal’ human beings are like and he knows that he just has to do a little fishing to find the weak spots, the insecurities, the fears….so as to manipulate you. And because most human beings are “decent” and have “normal” emotional impulses, reactions, values etc., he usually doesn’t have to fish for long. The older he is, the better he will be at this, too, so double watch out if you middle aged or thereabouts.
Lesson # 4 to Spot a Narcissist:
This man moves fast and charms his way into your heart and life very quickly if he’s allowed to. Many women spend so much time yearning to meet “the one” that when a man enters their life, when the chemistry is intense, when he is attentive and charming, they just can’t help but be completely swept off their feet.
Reality is, though, that this behaviour is most definitely a red flag. Even if the man isn’t a narcissist, it’s not ‘healthy’ for a man to rush things so much. It doesn’t matter how ‘exciting’ it is for an attractive and charming man to want to claim a woman so quickly, it just isn’t right. None of us can know someone well enough in a matter of weeks to know that they are ‘the one”. In reality, it’s not even really possible to truly love a person so quickly. It’s very possible, of course, for the chemistry to be off the charts and for the attraction to be intense, but true love is about loving the person for who they are and how is that possible when you’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks?
If you really want to know what a man is about when he’s like this, test him. How? Slow the pace down. Don’t come off the internet, don’t agree to exclusivity, don’t buy into the girlfriend title too early, don’t reciprocate with assertions of love. Most you will find will not react well to this. Some will disappear without notice. And they tend to do it very quickly. This may seem disappointing to you, but bear in mind that he just failed your test – of his emotional maturity and the health of his boundaries.
So keep your emotions in check when things are very new. You should be in observation mode when you first meet a man, not getting carried away with fantasies of him being ‘the one’. Dream, by all means, but remember that narcissists are renowned for sweeping women off their feet and being model lovers and boyfriends in the early days. It is one of their greatest tactics. It’s designed to get the women to fall in love quickly and then when he pulls the rug from under her feet, she’s totally shocked and bewildered – and hurt. She is then beautifully vulnerable to his manipulation and ongoing abuse.
Lesson # 5 to Spot a Narcissist:
Narcissists and psychopaths are renowned for being ‘chameleons of society’, ie they can change ‘colour’ to suit their environment/company. Given that narcissists are also chronic liars, they are likely to be extremely ‘private’ about their past and their present-day life. So if you find your man secretive to the extreme, then consider that a red flag. In this day of Google and internet searches, use it to either support what you have been told, or not, as the case may be. Narcissists will not want their exploits to be covered on the internet, not unless it’s business success or something similar. It’s the personal stuff they will be secretive about. You might find stories don’t ‘match’ or quite stack up, too.
Basically, anything that suggests he’s hiding stuff from you or is outright lying should be seen as a red flag and should be taken seriously. Again, your intuition will tell you this if you’re listening well enough, so pay heed to any churning and again, don’t raise these things such that he will be alerted. You will not get a straight or open answer and will end up feeling very confused – AND very bad for questioning him. He will see to that.
Always remember that a narcissist is not encumbered by values, principles, honour or integrity. He does not CARE about those things and sees them as weaknesses in ‘ordinary’ people – perfect for him to exploit. You are not dealing with a ‘normal’ person, so take care and have your wits about you. Don’t assume all men you meet are narcissists, but when that intuition starts going, listen very carefully and make your decisions wisely, choosing your own well being over his.
This blog post was written by Janice Hoad. Janice is an expert adviser at Love Girl Talk Forum. She is called Archeress there and rightfully so. She is known for her spot on advise and insight and ability to shoot straight to the heart of the matter. Thank you Janice.
If you need help breaking up with a Narcissist, you can click here.
This post is based on some of the teachings of David Dieda about opening your heart to love again, especially after a break up or tough time. I am one of his biggest fans. It also incorporates my own life experiences and my many aha moments. It comes from my truth of opening your heart to love, as I know it and am learning to live it, one minute at a time.
Today you are alive. Your heart is beating. One day though, no matter how many material things you possess or accomplishments you have achieved, your heart will stop, your breathe will cease and you will exist no more. Are you ready and have you given your deepest gifts, the gifts from your heart? Have you lived in your truth?
A well lived life embraces death. A well lived life gives without holding back, receives love without question and does not push or pull away. Life lived for the sake of materialism, status, or selfishness will leave you at the end of your day unfulfilled, lonely and empty. Love fully and die.
Are you ready to begin opening your heart to love again?
All people are equal, each expresses a different degree of presence and radiance depending on their openness at the moment. Sometimes after years of life’s blows, a person can develop habits of closure that are not easy to release. Their guarded heart is a protection against further pain and hinders their would be gifts of love, closing your heart to love again.
If your true gifts have been lost in the struggle with life’s demands, you are in pain. Love not given hurts. Love not offered sears the heart. Love not expressed sucks your strength. When you meet a person who is of greater openness and giving love freely, you closure stands in stark relief. Feeling th choices you have made of security and self guardedness you are very aware of your yearning heart, lost time and ungiven gifts, you can either surrender open and receive the force of superior openness or remain closed.
When you meet a superior man or woman, your only real choices are to open fully and receive their gifts or to crucify them and be relieved of their force. To grow you must learn to absorb their intensity of openness that would otherwise simply make you feel how crippled you are.
To Open Your Heart of Close It
You are either withholding your love in fear or giving your deepest gifts.
Right now and in every now moment you are either closing or opening. You are either waiting for something, more money, more security, more affection or you are living from your deep heart and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without WAITING.
If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding back you are suffering. The way love moves you is your true destiny as long as you don’t add fear to love’s force, your life unfolds unimpeded.
If you add fear to your life as most people do, and wait to fully open, then your heart aches as your life curls into the shape of your chosen consolations and your heart’s pains of closure slowly accumulates to unbearable.
Few men and women live their true destiny. Most follow a path bent by fear. Your true destinly is lived by giving everything and loving open without WAITING.
It is impossible for fear and love to exist together.
Right now you are choosing to open and give fully or you are waiting?
How does your choice feel?
How would you live if you were fearless, if you lived your life as an expression of your deepest heart?
Open Your Heart Through Intimacy
When you think of opening your heart to intimacy, you probably think of two lovers embraced, naked and uninhibited. Intimacy is so much more and can be experienced in every day life with many people if you are open. When you let others in without fear, the imtimacy follows. Not much more satisfies the thirst of your soul like the joy of imtimacy.
My aha moment happened a few months ago. I had gashed my arm open. I was in a public place. A man came to my rescue that I did not know. He got a napkin and held it on my bleeding arm and led me outside to his truck which was complete with a first aid kit. I did not speak, he spoke very little. He cleaned my wound gently and applied a bandage. Words were not needed. I was in awe of the kindness of this man. He was open. That was intimacy. My heart was opened wide in that moment.
This moment may have gone unnoticed had I not been in a place of pain in my life. When you are in pain, joy has a tendancy to rear it’s beautiful head. Not that it’s not there all along, we just don’t notice. When you are in pain, your soul is seeking healing and subconciously you draw the joys of life into your heart and the healing begins and the path ahead is seen with clarity.
Since that night, I have found it everywhere but mostly because I made that choice to become aware. Being aware of the presence and the essence of others around me has caused my world to expand. Opportunities to give and recieve are in my path daily. Were they there all along? Yes, but I was closed and could not see them.
You have a choice. You can give others the gift of your openness or the clench of your refusal. Which choice will you make?
The Guarded Heart Opening Your Heart to Love
Recently I ran across a post on a women’s forum. Seems a woman had met a open man with a very brave heart. She was falling for him and he for her, they were opening to one another. Well fate steps in and he finds out he will be transferred far away in a year or so. The advice to her was interesting. The majority of replies said guard your heart at all cost. Don’t get anymore involved, cut it now.
One poster had a different outlook it would seem.
Ok, you can look at this in a couple of ways. You know if you stay you risk the chance of falling in love and being hurt in a year. You of course can protect your heart and end it now, seems the logical thing to do right.
Maybe not. There is always the risk of being hurt regardless of circumstance. We have no control over this. Every time you choose love, you also choose to risk pain. The only difference here is you know the outcome. You are blessed with a crystal ball so to speak. I say love him with reckless abandonment. Why would you deprive yourself of this moment in time. So much to learn here. Don’t miss this opportunity, it may not come again.
What is the saying, it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I go with that.
I refuse to run around in life worried about if I am going to be hurt or not, what a miserable life. Oh and all the joys you miss doing this. Not for me. If I knew I had a year of bliss but was going to be very sad at the end, I would still go for it, but that’s me.
Living Your Truth
Knowing the truth is useless, feeling it is profound, living it is life changing.
Do you think online dating sucks? Most women do. If you ask a woman about online dating she is likely to complain far more than she praises the process of weeding through all the men. If you have experience in online dating then you know. There are the fake profiles out there scamming. There are the men that have outdated pictures. There are the men that lie about things on their profile. The list goes on and on. I have done online dating and there were days I confess where I too said online dating sucks.
The key to it really is in your attitude though. You have to sort of just roll with the punches. I like to compare it to this book I read as a child. I don’t even remember the title but it was about this little boy and his journey to a birthday party. It was what good luck, what bad luck sort of thing. One thing good would happen, then something bad, then something good, and on and on. Eventually though, he did make it to the party and everything worked out. It’s sort of like this with online dating and if you can adopt this what good luck, what bad luck attitude, you won’t be so likely to feel that online dating sucks. Let me give you an example:
What good luck: I got an well thought out email from a man named Ted.
What bad luck: Ted is 80 years old
What good luck: I got an email from a hot guy named Rick
What bad luck: The email had two words, Hey Sexy! Sigh…..
What good luck: Found a guy that looks like just my type. His name is Mark. I emailed him.
What bad luck: Mark didn’t reply
What good luck: Dennis a cutie sent me a wink, I winked back!
What bad luck: Mr. two word hey sexy email just sent me an email calling me a stuck up bitch for not replying
What good luck: I got a decent email from a guy named Frank
What bad luck: His profile picture he is in bed with 5 dogs and 3 cats
What good luck: Dennis sent me a nice email with an observant comment about my profile. I answered it with a nice comment about his.
What bad luck: Just got an email asking me if I am interested in meeting for sex.
What good luck: Frank says the picture on his profile is a joke. We had a good email conversation today. He seems okay. I might like this guy.
What bad luck: Another creative email that just says Hi!
What good luck: Frank got my number, he said he wants to meet.
What bad luck: Frank texted me a picture of his penis and asked for one of my Hoo-Ha!
What good luck: Another nice conversation with Dennis. He got my number
What bad luck: Frank cussed me out over texted and said I was uptight. I blocked his number
What good luck: Dennis called, we are meeting for coffee
What bad luck: Dennis can’t make coffee, he got bit by a brown recluse spider
What good luck: Got a brief but interesting email from John
What bad luck: Dennis really went back to his ex
What good luck: John called me tonight and we had a great conversation.
What bad luck: John is going on vacation and can’t meet for two weeks.
What good luck: A coffee date with another prospect on Friday
What bad luck: He left me with the bill
What good luck: John called me from Hawaii just to say hey!
What bad luck: Frank emailed me to apologize and for a second chance
What good luck: I have learned how to block on this dating site
What bad luck: Another dumb one word email from a guy that has 20 beer cans in his profile pic
What good luck: Went on a fun date with Bill. Wow the chemistry!
What bad luck: I am stressing if Bill will call again
What good luck: Bill wants to see me again tonight!
What bad luck: Bill wants me to drive to see him.
What good luck: I can do that!
What bad luck: Bill wanted to have sex the first hour.
What good luck: He took my no quite well
What bad luck: Bill blocked me today on the dating site
What good luck: John is back and we are meeting tomorrow
What bad luck: I have a cold
What good luck: He doesn’t care
What bad luck: My car won’t start and it’s time for the date
What good luck: John agrees to meet me at the pub on my street so I can walk
What bad luck: It’s raining
What good luck: He says he loves my frizzy hair! He is Kind and has a great smile!
I could go on and on and the fact is if you are online dating, it could go like this and most likely will go like this for months. It’s an adventure and if you can adopt the attitude that it’s just that, it can actually be fun and entertaining to say the least. Don’t take it personal for the most part.
If you think online dating sucks why not learn how to do it right. Learn how to weed through these men and qualify them and save yourself a lot of time like with Bill up there in my good luck, bad luck scene. The best and I do mean the best most no nonsense online dating guide is available is here. Take the stress out of online dating.
Have you ever been left wondering why men disappear. He vanished just like Houdini. Gone without a trace. Perhaps he was coming on strong and calling or texting you everyday and then the contact slowed down or stopped all together. You thought you were headed for a great relationship and then find yourself alone again wondering why he disappeared, missing in action. The disappointment is tough to swallow, no doubt.
This lens is about understanding men, why they do what they do and not only why he disappeared, but what also makes them stay. Men really aren’t commitment phobics and most of them do want the same thing that you do. They want a loving woman that gets them, accepts them, and makes them feel good. Men fall in love with how we make them feel.
Not all men though are the right man for you.I have seen many a woman fall for a man that wasn’t good for her, but couldn’t bring herself to leave because “she loves him”. If you are with a man and are always questioning where you stand, chances are you have the wrong man. A man that loves you would not dream of leaving you guessing. You will not be left wondering why men disappear again. Please read on.
Does He Want a Relationship
One good rule to live by when you are dating is that not every guy wants a relationship or is looking for a relationship with you. You avoid a lot of heart ache down the road by accepting this. Also not every man is the right man for you. If he disappears on you, instead of being hurt and wounded, wondering why he disappeared, you might want to consider that a man that does this would not make a good partner to start with.
Often the excuse we women hear from men is that he doesn’t want a relationship or he isn’t ready for a relationship. Where does this leave you and what can you do about it? First thing to do is to believe him. Trying to convince him that a relationship with you is meant to be or is for the best just won’t work. If a guy says this from the start, it’s him preparing his exit ahead of time in case he needs it. If he says it after you have been dating for a while, you can be it means he isn’t sure he wants a relationship with you.
Sure you can stick around and hope he changes his mind, but understand if you do this, you are taking a huge risk. You may get more and more attached, fall in love and end up left behind. Is this a chance you are willing to take? If you really do want a relationship, you may be wasting a lot of time because somewhere out there is a guy who will want an exclusive relationship with you.
If you do choose to stay, please date other people. Chances are good if he says he does not want a relationship, he is keeping his options open and if he isn’t dating others, it the opportunity comes up, he will. In other words, don’t invest your all into someone who isn’t investing their all.
Personally, if a relationship is what I wanted and he told me he did not, I would cut him loose. I would tell him I respect that and understand that, but that I did want more. I would explain to him that if I stuck around, it wouldn’t be doing myself any favors because I deserve and want more. I would tell him that investing time into him would be a bit like wasting mine. I would wish him well and say good bye.
In other words, I would put my heart first. Funny thing happens sometimes when you do this. He gains respect for you for not settling for his crumbs and I have known a time or two when this actually ended up turning a man from ‘I am not looking for a relationship”, to “I want a relationship with you after all”.
Why Guys Disappear After Sex
It’s pretty common for guys to disappear after sex. I hear it a lot. There are a number of reasons for this, but mainly it boils down to really not having much to do with the fact that he just had sex with you. Of course there are guys out there that are only looking to score, but it’s up to you to learn to distinguish the difference.
Guys can tell why you have sex with them. If you are doing it just to please him, he senses it. This spells desperation to him. A guy would rather you have sex because you wanted to. Otherwise he feels as if it’s some ploy to trap him. Often women start putting off the vibe that they think they are now in a relationship. Sex does not equal a relationship.
If the truth be told, he was probably going to disappear if you slept with him or not. Many are under the belief that guys see them as easy when they sleep with them to soon. There may be some truth to this, but if the guy is into you to start with, it’s not going to matter. Where women screw up with this is that once they sleep with a guy, they are ready to now invest their hearts. This is where the easy comes into play in reality. A man likes to work for your heart. If you give it away quickly, he doesn’t see it’s value. He thinks he isn’t anything special. Men don’t usually bond with first time sex. They bond through sex after they have already attached to the woman, not before.
If a guy disappears after you have had sex, it’s one of two things
1. He wasn’t that into you in the first place. It’s really no one to blame here. We can’t help who we are or aren’t into. I imagine you too have felt like disappearing on a guy after you had sex. Maybe you did it in a moment of weakness and you really didn’t like the guy. Maybe you were drunk, who knows, but it happens. We all do it or have done it. That is one reason why he disappeared.
2. The second reason is how you behave afterwards. If you start acting like a girlfriend before he has made that move, it’s a turn off. If you got all emotional, well you made him feel guilty. Guilt and sex don’t go together. If you expect it to mean something special to him, he will sense it. Most men don’t see sex as something special, at least not in the early dating stage.
Then of course there is the chance that you aren’t that great in bed. If you were more focused on pleasing him and not focused on allowing him to please you, this is not good. Men feel good when they make you feel good. Picture Tarzan beating his chest and you will get the idea.
What Makes Men Not Disappear
What men really need, especially in the beginning is to feel safe. Feeling safe for a man if far different that feeling safe for a woman. It’s very important that you understand what makes a woman feel safe isn’t what makes him feel safe. In order to understand what makes a man feel safe and what he needs, you need to understand one of his biggest fears.
One of man’s biggest fears is the loss of his freedom or to have his freedom threatened. Women do this in ways they don’t even realize. A woman often starts reading too much too fast or over thinking way too soon. A few dates and she is already setting up her expectations. Recently a woman contacted me and had been on one date. The guy then went on a 3 day business trip and did not contact her. Oh Horror!
Here is what happened when he returned. She gave him the guilt trip. She asked him why didn’t he contact and expressed her disappointment. Really that soon. How could this man possibly begin to feel safe with this woman? Needless to say, he didn’t contact her again. She was left wondering why men disappear yet again.
If you start out full of emotions and expectations, he won’t feel safe to open up to you because he will fear your emotions. Men really don’t do so well with out emotions. This also tells him that there is more to come and begins imagining having to ask permission or work really hard to make you happy. This scares him and he begins to feel that freedom threatened.
Freedom to live his life without having to worry about you being upset or unhappy. This is what makes men not feel safe. If you want to make him feel safe, don’t focus or bring attention to the things he doesn’t do that you think he should and don’t criticize what he does do. This is the fastest way to make sure he disappears.
Be happy and fun to be with and don’t project into the future too fast, let him get comfortable, for when a man feels safe, he will give you the world and he won’t disappear.
Are you seeking closure from an ex? Do you want to have that last sit down to talk about what happened, what went wrong? Do you feel you need this before you can move on? If you ex is resisting or stalling on this closure I imagine you are frustrated. If you want your ex back by chance, please read on. Having that last conversation may actually prevent you from getting him back.
First of all, I want to ask you why do you want to put yourself through this painful conversation in the first place? Do you think it’s going to make it easier for you to let go and move on. Chances are it’s just going to fill you with regrets and more sadness as you look back and realize you can’t control or change the past. Chances are good you won’t get the whole truth anyway. It’s human nature not to want to hurt another human, so it’s highly likely you will just get a smoke screen of reasons why he feels the relationship won’t work.
If your ex won’t give you closure, chances are he also feels his actions of breaking up with you are all you should really need. Reality is he is right. You don’t need his permission to move on, that is for you to decide. He is also likely not looking forward to experiencing all your emotions or perhaps the guilt that he thinks you will put on him. The “how could you hurt me like this” speech. He may not want to have that final talk because he doesn’t want to hurt you anymore than he already has.
Be honest with yourself. What are you really hoping to gain out of this conversation. Most if they really are honest are hoping for words to make them feel better or just hoping for a glimmer of hope in general. Looking for a small reason to keep hanging on.
I pursued this closure conversation once from an ex and he gave it to me. Oh boy, I so wish I hadn’t. All I got was an I am not sure I am ready for a relationship. I also got the famous, I will always love you. It did not help my heart to understand this at all. I pulled out of that parking lot feeling no closure at all and a crying wreck. That’s when I knew closure was a gift that I had to give to myself and another humane could not do it for me.
If you ex won’t give you closure, that is your closure. He doesn’t want to talk and you pushing it is just crossing his boundaries and not showing much respect for his decision. I know it feels awful, but we are all entitled to our own choices in life. To not have our choices in live respected feels pretty bad and can even make us angry. Not the result you want I am sure.
The worst part about this closure conversation is this may be his last memory of you. If you ever want to reconcile, this is not working in your favor. Do you really want his last memory of you to be of you in an emotional turmoil and a bit out of control of your emotions. A woman in control of herself is very attractive and will leave a lasting impression. If you want to get your ex back ever, this is not the way to do it.
If you are dating a guy that sends you what feels like mixed signals, often you wonder if he is confused or is he just stringing you along. I can remember many situations like this in my past, but when it was all said and done, it was usually me that was confused. Guys do string you along at times, but often it is a case of your misguided perception instead or you just not seeing the signs.
Most guys don’t string you along on purpose. At least not in the beginning. What happens is perhaps the text you regularly, maybe you see one another a couple of times yet he goes quiet for days at a time. Maybe he keeps in contact but isn’t putting in effort to see you again, or maybe he replies to all of your texts but rarely initiates. You begin to wonder is he stringing you along?
The above actions are not necessarily him stringing you along. It’s usually a case of he likes you enough, maybe to have sex, maybe to have something to do, but isn’t heading for a relationship. Guys behaving like described above are trying to keep a distance from you. Trying to keep you from falling. They feel if you still go along with seeing them, you are okay with casual. Right or wrong, he most likely isn’t confused. He is just trying to keep you around but doesn’t want you to fall in love with him.
Then there is the guy that is just nice. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Some call him a coward and maybe he is. I don’t know. My jury is out on this. I can remember quite a few times when I took a while to return a call or a text. Oh and there have been a few times I just said I was busy, maybe some other time. I can also recall just not answering a call. Sometimes we just aren’t that interested. It happens to all of us. When it happens to you do you just tell him to get lost? What do you do? If you can recall this, I think you will plainly see he isn’t confused.
He just doesn’t want to deal with it. There are a few guys in my past that did not take me telling them I wasn’t interested very well at all. There was drama. Most people will do what it takes to avoid drama and the slow fade is a sure way to do this. That is, if he or she takes the hint.
So many times though, the hint isn’t taken. We make excuses or rather we buy his excuses. Human nature is a tricky thing. If you want to know if he is stringing you along or not, just do nothing. Don’t text, don’t call, don’t try to make plans. Just sit back. How he reacts and what he does will give you all the answers as to is he stringing you along. If he doesn’t step it up, he isn’t confused or scared or thinking maybe you lost interest.
So in summary, I do think that guys and girls for that matter will string us along. Intentional or not. It’s up to us to not accept that behavior or try to analyze it or make excuses for it. If you are wanting more, you can cut that string just by simply telling him something like “I really enjoy your company but I think we are on a different page. I am looking for a relationship. Best of luck to you”.
Being stuck in limbo guessing if your boyfriend is still in or has checked out of the relationship is frustrating. On my forum at lovegirltalk.com, it’s so common for women there to ask “why won’t he just tell me it’s over”. Why won’t he just let me move on? I feel your pain ladies, but I hope to shed some light so you can stop wondering.
Usually when this happens the woman stuck in limbo has even asked him if it’s over and has yet to get a straight answer. Maybe he says he just needs some space, maybe he isn’t contacting you as often or you are feeling him pull away. The fact that you even have to ask him if it’s over is your first clue that something is off. Obviously you are having doubts about the way he feels about you or perhaps you have been fighting or having some issues.
The fact here really is that men or women for that matter might really don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s pretty typical to put this off and avoid it. Tap dance around it is what I call it. It’s hard to tell someone it’s over because most humans feel the guilt and they don’t enjoy it. We actually do or don’t do things to avoid pain. It’s painful to hurt another and it brings us all sorts of feeling about ourselves that just feel awful. I confess I have been guilty myself and chances are you have too. It took me months to rip all the hope away from my ex. I remember a few exes that did the same to me.
It feels like you are being strung along. He may answer your text or even make plans, then he no shows or cancels. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to you much anymore. He makes other plans and seems to be busy, yet he hasn’t told you that he has checked out.
The fact is this though. No one can string you along unless you allow it. Waiting on him to actually tell you it’s over before you move on is giving all of your power away. Do you really need his permission to move on? Do you want to just wait patiently while he makes up his mind or gets his courage up. If you are waiting on a man to tell you it’s over, tune his words out and think about his actions. What do his actions tell you?
If he isn’t in contact or has just disappeared and you are contacting him asking him is it over, he has told you, just without words and you aren’t getting the message. Hanging in there waiting for him to tell you it’s over is not going to change a thing. The message is still the same. I know women who have asked this question over and over to a man and refuse to let go until they hear him say it’s over. The result is the same, if he tells you with words or actions simply doesn’t matter.
When you feel a man pulling away, asking him if it’s over is not very productive. There are better ways to deal with a man that begins to lose interest in you.
Should Women Email Men First on an Online Dating site is a really good question. Women are confused about this for there is conflicting information out there about how this is considered chasing. Please read a letter from my reader explaining just how conflicting the information is out there about who should make the first move and also my reply.
It’s a pleasure to find you on this site and to finally get in touch with you. I’ve read most of your blogs and your advices you’ve given and I’d like to say, you are a perfect role model for all women and younger girls out there. You’ve read and recommended some great books (one that I’ve read was Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches). I really would like to read other books that you’ve mentioned about too.
Despite reading these great books on how to handle men just by choosing to carry on living our lives, having self-control, self-respect and dignity, I read one very recently called The Rules by Ellen Fien & Sherrie Schneider. Quite a narrow book with a lot of strict old school rules listed out on how to handle men and what to do in such situations in dating or relationships which is for our own good. I’m not sure if you’ve read it. It’s very much like Sherry Argov’s books only this is much more detailed. I’ve also read another book by them which has almost the same rules, but this is more focused on what to do in situations with men with the use of technologies, like mobile phones and internet.
I liked these books very much, but there was one rule I was particularly unsure of and I wondered what your thoughts would be about this and how you would approach it.
There’s a rule in the second book where they advise women not to be the approach men online first, much like how we women shouldn’t approach men first in person. We should only be approached by them instead, as the ones that approach us most of the time are the ones that show us real interest.
According to these two authors, if we women were the first to approach men online, such as – on dating sites:
1. Some men may ignore our approach if they’re not interested.
2. Some men would take this as a compliment but we would somehow become their temporary therapists when they would talk about their exes.
3. Some would get into a relationship with us but it wouldn’t be as serious, we wouldn’t be their first priority.
They also mention that there are some women that approach men first on dating sites and end up having a successful relationship with men ONLY because the men were interested in them too, but the women somehow beat them to it by messaging/winking at them first.
I’m not particularly sure about this part. I agree that we shouldn’t be the first to approach men in person, but I remember in one of your blogs some time ago, you mentioned how we can actually approach men first on dating sites, because we’re all on there for the same reasons.
I’m not sure if this is any different, but I approached my ex fiance first on Facebook a few years back, only because we both went to high school together and I thought we could become friends and stay in touch, so I wasn’t intentionally ‘trying it on with him’. He took interest and he asked me out, that was the time I newly finished Sherry Argov’s book and I played the same rules with him, and I really kept him on his toes, he had so much respect for me and he was head over heels in love with me. It got to the point he proposed to me so this proved how much this really works!
But I’m quite confused now, there are a lot of decent guys I’d like to get to know on dating sites and I’ve tried to follow the strict rules by not doing anything and letting guys approach me first but they must assume I’m not interested when they see me looking at their profile and I turn away after that.
I remember a man once complained on a forum and said all it takes is for women to drop guys a hint, men are not mind readers, women need to make eye contact and/or give them a smile and let guys know they’re interested. But The Rules does not recommend this and says we should not show any interest until they walk over to us and make the first approach. They say it’s a lot better for men to introduce us to their friends by saying “This is the girl that didn’t want me.”
I really would like to know what you think of this.
Many thanks for reading, I’m sorry for such a long email!
My Reply to her Question Should Women Approach Men First Online Dating:
Hi and thank you for reaching out. That is a great question really. I do think women should email men first on dating sites. For starters it shows confidence. Approaching him first could be really simple such as just mailing him a remark about something in his profile. That’s sort of like saying hello to a man in passing. There is nothing wrong with saying hello to a man in passing at all. It is just a simple offering of encouragement.
Some men will take the bait and go from there, some won’t. The ones that won’t, just don’t worry about it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you really want to increase your chances online dating, I think sending the first email is definitely in order.
The very best online dating guide out there was written by Evan Marc Katz. I can’t say enough about this guide. I believe reading it will also greatly increase your chances. He also has a service for profile writing. Profiles are very important because that is your very first impression. A good profile will get more interest. Finding The One Online
Do you perhaps wear your heart a bit too far out on your sleeve? A recent reader of mine mailed me that her boyfriend often hurt her feelings. She said “My boyfriend says I am too sensitive. What does he mean? First I had to determine if her boyfriend wasn’t just a jerk and get to the bottom of if he in fact had a legitimate complaint. After getting into her story further, I think possibly her expectations of her boyfriend may have been a bit unreasonable.
Frances and Trey had been dating for over a year. She mailed me as she felt he was pulling away. His reasons were she was just too sensitive. The truth here is that Trey really didn’t know how to put into words exactly what he meant by that. You see Frances had come from a broken home, an abusive father. Her last relationship was with a verbally abusive man. Her complaint with Trey was that he was often doing things without her. When he hung out with his pals her feelings were hurt. When he had worked 12 hours and didn’t want to come over, her feelings were hurt. If he disagreed with her, she took it personal and her feelings were hurt.
Frances shared with me that she felt Trey should be more gentle with her because of all she had been through. He should be more understanding. He should know she needs more to feel secure in a relationship. He knew how hurt she had been in her past and he entered this relationship so he knew what he was getting into was her line of thinking. Now a year down the road Frances says “My boyfriend says I am too sensitive”. Is she?
The issue here is Frances is expecting her boyfriend to manage her emotions for her. She is expecting him to be the Prince that comes along and makes everything right. What Frances has actually done is abandon herself, the things she fears worst from her boyfriend. She has handed her well being over to her boyfriend instead of taking a healthy sense of responsibility for herself.
I like to compare this to parenting. If you were the parent of a little girl, which is actually you yourself, would you just hand her over to another and trust them to take care of her as you do? Here, my little girl is say, you fix her. That doesn’t even make sense if you think about it. She is your responsibility ultimately.
What it feels like from Trey’s point of view is walking on eggshells. He fears telling her he wants to hang out with friends will hurt her. He feels responsible for her happiness. He knows going out with his friends will not make her happy. Men like to make women happy and hate disappointing the women they love. This makes them feel bad and begins to break down the loving feelings they once had and yes can cause them to pull away.
A man pulls away when he feels he is failing at making you happy because it doesn’t make him feel good. Men fall in love with women that make them feel good. A man that feels his failure does not feel good and love can’t grow and flourish there.
The best gift you can give to a man is to own your wounds, heal them and take responsibility for your own life and not play victim. Stop expecting the men or anyone in your life for that matter, to shore up your emotions. It’s simply not their job, it’s yours.
Now there is nothing wrong with a little sensitivity and compassion. It has it’s place. If you on the other hand find yourself saying “my boyfriend says I am too sensitive”, you may want to explore in what ways you are sensitive and if in fact you are expecting him to be the nurturing parent that you should be to your inner child.