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Text Friend
01-25-2013, 03:17 AM
Post: #31
RE: Text Friend
I'm pretty sure your man is deeply committed to you, CT, but for whatever reason is reluctant to marry at this point in time. Men seem to separate the two more easily than women. Nor do I think your situation in terms if your affair and how you ultimately got together sits in the same bracket - or anywhere near it - as men who play online while attached.

That said, there are theories that say women shouldn't agree to living with a man if its marriage they ultimately want, not without firm plans for marriage, anyway, because he gets all the benefits without that ultimate commitment. Again, your situation is pretty unique, CT, and there are many couples who live together and choose not to marry - but remain deeply committed to each other.

Foolme1nce, you mentioned your conversations with your guy are intimate. Do you mean sexual? If so, this is a huge kick for men. Also, you say he's not looking for a relationship with you? Is that you tell yourself that? If he's ventured into sexting, it's ventured OUT of friend zone, other than affair/FWB or whatever.

If you are always initiating now, then stop. That's all I can say. He'll take what you have if it's on offer, clearly, but if he disappears every time you get 'intimate' and is not initiating any more, he is keeping his distance purposely. IOW he doesn't want it to progress beyond a "friendship/affair". Is that really what you want?
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01-25-2013, 05:56 AM
Post: #32
RE: Text Friend
Yes Arch, if ours had been a 'normal' coming together I may not have agreed to living together first, hard to say, but at the time I admit I needed the protection and had more things to worry about than the future! So I have what I have at present.

Just a comment on intimacy. That is the major thing I was looking for when I started seeing my man. I am not talking about the physical variety, never had a problem getting that, that is easy. I needed emotional intimacy; I had never really had that. Emotional intimacy was more alluring to me than anything else could have been.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - Aldous Huxley

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01-25-2013, 07:48 AM (This post was last modified: 01-25-2013 07:52 AM by Selene.)
Post: #33
RE: Text Friend
(01-25-2013 05:56 AM)CeeTee Wrote:  Yes Arch, if ours had been a 'normal' coming together I may not have agreed to living together first, hard to say, but at the time I admit I needed the protection and had more things to worry about than the future! So I have what I have at present.

Just a comment on intimacy. That is the major thing I was looking for when I started seeing my man. I am not talking about the physical variety, never had a problem getting that, that is easy. I needed emotional intimacy; I had never really had that. Emotional intimacy was more alluring to me than anything else could have been.

My situation is very similar to yours, in that I consider myself single, but my live-in partner isn't generous enough to allow me the freedom to do what I want/need, so I can't really have an honest conversation with him about dating other men and need to find my spaces in a way that doesn't upset him. He will never ever marry me or anybody else and is happy to live with me because I make no demands on him. The house and protection/security are all immensely strong factors that I find extremely difficult to give up, knowing the costs involved if I do. At the same time, I keep looking for the kind of intimate (mental or otherwise) connection I can't get from him

(01-24-2013 10:44 PM)Foolme1nce Wrote:  Thanks Cee Tee.. Yes I do know what not to do and that's what I have not agreed to see him. I have a feeling that's why he disappears .. Because he gets frustrated that he keeps asking just tonhang out... go to dinner.. for a glass of wine.. for coffee and I keep turning him down. He mentions the friend zone a lot. Sent me an article on it once. He's either playing the card that he thinks he's been friend zoned or actually thinks he has been. At which point I would figure he thinks im using him as a ego boost.

For the last month or so he has not initiated any communication with me. If I text him he responds within minutes and the conversation goes on for hours sometimes as many as 8. I'm sick of always initiating though and in not sure why that is happening. He used to text first all the time.

So Cee.. If you consider yourself single, do you date others? If not.. Would you?

He might be upset because he felt rejected after being turned down so often. His mentioning being just friends might be just a way not to scare you (or himself) away, in other words, a cover up to protect himself from further rejection or changes of mind (yours or his)
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01-25-2013, 08:08 AM
Post: #34
RE: Text Friend
Actually Selene having read your threads our situations are actually very different. My man and I are very much in love. We behave very couply and live together largely as husband and wife in most people's eyes. I have zero interest in other men because I really adore my man. I live with him because I want to be with him. I gave up a significant amount of wealth and a beautiful house in an expensive leafy suburb with handmade furniture made by a craftsmen to live in rented accommodation in a semi-industrial suburb with him where we have cardboard boxes for furniture. He has been in poor health all this month and I have put my life on hold to take care of him.

It is draining and I am really struggling, but he would do the same for me I believe.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - Aldous Huxley

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01-25-2013, 08:21 AM
Post: #35
RE: Text Friend
I stand to be corrected : - ) I hope things get better soon, I am sure they will as you seem to me to be a fighter. I think I got misled when I read the word single
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CeeTee (01-25-2013)
01-25-2013, 10:23 AM
Post: #36
RE: Text Friend
Selene, your situation is indeed completely different from CT's. I suspect that the emotional intimacy you seek will not be found until you sort out your own living situation. Sounds to me like you want your cake and eat it - a no-risk approach to finding what you want. Good luck with that.
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01-25-2013, 11:51 AM (This post was last modified: 01-25-2013 11:52 AM by Selene.)
Post: #37
RE: Text Friend
I don't think it's as black and white as that, finding a man you can be emotionally intimate with while living with somebody else are not mutually exclusive, if that was the case, there would be nobody who splits up due to meeting somebody new while in another relationship, we all know that isn't the case. Some people are strong enough to leave and go it alone, others are not and need an outside force to be able make that move.


Also, I am the only one who can judge how bad or not my relationship is. From the outside it might sound terrible, it's actually not now I've started sorting out my own issues. I have friends, colleagues, a job I like, a good family and basically a fulfilling life. If I had been sufferring so badly in my relationship, I would not have staid. As it happens, it fulfills my deep needs for security and protection, which are clearly more important to me than finding intimacy. I find emotional intimacy with my friends and this forum has also helped. I'm the only one who can judge what is important to me. The fact that something is flawed doesn't mean you have to give up on it, we all have flaws and I'm happy with what I've got at the moment. I feel serene now I've addressed my issues with the barrister and let him go, that was a big disruption to my life.
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Foolme1nce (01-26-2013)
01-26-2013, 12:12 AM (This post was last modified: 01-26-2013 01:01 AM by Foolme1nce.)
Post: #38
RE: Text Friend
Arch, I've been thinking about what you said all day. Yes, the texts are graphic and very sexual. I mean intimate as in more of a caring feeling way of having those same type of texts. I need to have the emotional intimacy or those texts don't do a thing for me. He seems to be really into it while it happens but then he runs for a bit after. I don't hear from him for a while. Then he pipes up with accusing me of disappearing. I call that " the flip". When they take off to their cave and then when they want to come back they accuse you of being distant. In any event he isn't giving me what I need by being gone, and I'm not putting out so Im not giving him what he needs. Classic case of two people wanting different things.. So next!

Cee Tee is your story on the board somewhere? I would love to read it.
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Archeress (01-26-2013)
01-26-2013, 01:42 AM
Post: #39
RE: Text Friend
Ah, my original fuller story was on the old forum Fm1. I have had a thread here which I will try to dig up for you, it may not have all the details. I am happy to fill in details if you like.

I cannot work out how to post a link as I am on the iPad! Maybe there is a way... Anyway my thread was called 'Which path to take - considered opinions welcome' and is under Relationships. Last post was 1 January.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - Aldous Huxley

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