If you have found this article then you are most likely in pain and so overwhelmed that you are seeking help on how to deal with heartbreak. Heartbreak is something that all of us have experienced unless of course we live in a bubble with no human interaction. Not very likely. I too have had to deal with heartbreak and have walked with many a woman through the healing process or sometimes just feeling better for an day or an hour.
How To Deal With Heartbreak
One of the first things that one that is going through heartbreak thinks about is getting back together with the one who has broken your heart. You long to be in their arms again. While this is normal and certainly understandable, these thoughts of longings are coming from your pain. Many seem to confuse the love and the pain. The amount of pain appears to reflect the intensity of the love. In reality, perhaps the two aren’t exactly related. The love you feel for him or her is still there. It’s the dream of a life together that is gone.
If you are honest with yourself, the desire to have him back in your arms is to ease the pain. Often this is when many lose their self control and do some unproductive things that end up pushing this love further away. This is why it is so important to learn how to deal with heartbreak before you do more damage to an already demised relationship. Reacting from a place of pain may feel right to you, but to others, it screams of desperation.
Understanding the Stages of Heartbreak
Heartbreak is very much like grieving death.
Denial and Shock
This is the time of disbelief. This is when we just aren’t capable of any rational thoughts. We often look for tiny bits of hope during this phase that the relationship can be salvaged or the breakup is not permanent. This is when you feel the need to let him know how much he hurt you. You may want to call or text him that you miss him. Don’t.
Angry at your ex (how could he do this), anger at God, (why me, why do I always get hurt). Anger at others, (how could my friend still be friends with him after what he did to me). This is often the stage where you want to text him or send give him a piece of your mind. Don’t.
This is when you bargain with yourself, God or perhaps even bargain with your ex. You make claims to do what it takes to reconcile the relationship. You will get help, seek counseling, stop being jealous, whatever it takes.
The depression in heartbreak is often from a feeling of hopelessness. There seems to be nothing you can do to change or alter the outcome. It’s over, said and done. This is the time that many go into isolation, sleep a lot, eat too little or too much and just have no drive to do much of anything.
You begin to have moments of being at peace with the breakup. The sadness may still come and go, but you actually wake up and don’t feel paralyzed by the pain. You begin to laugh again. You are smiling again and it doesn’t feel like your gut is being ripped out when you hear his name. You begin to let go and move forward with your life again.
Victim or Warrior in Your Heartbreak
Knowing these signs can help. Understanding that you will move through them in no particular order and bounce back and forth. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry and get it out. Feel the emotions. Know that the pain will lessen. I know it doesn’t help to tell you that this too will pass, but it will.
I have worked with many a woman through heartbreak. Many struggle with how to deal with heartbreak. Some breeze through it and some take longer. I have often question what the difference is between the woman that stays stuck for years over the woman that begins to move on in a few months. While I don’t have exact answers to this, I do have some insight.
The woman that already seems to know how to deal with heartbreak often has what I call a warrior heart. She realizes she has a choice over continuing to see herself as a victim or as a Warrior and she makes the choice to be a Warrior. She looks for lessons, not excuses. She seeks support, not sympathy. She loves herself enough to know that fixing what is broken may not serve her after all. She realizes that not getting what she wants is not the end, but often the beginning.
Our first instinct is to fix what is broken. If that includes changing who you are to accommodate or get love, she just isn’t willing. If it means settling and great sacrifice, she opts out and puts her own heart first. She strives to forgive herself and her ex lover for what was done or not done. She realizes that love is often about letting go, not holding on.
If you are at the stage where all you can think about is getting him back, please understand that often going back while you are still in pain or to ease your pain is likely to end up just prolonging the inevitable, the demise of the relationship. Take the time to heal and get your emotions under control and then decide if this relationship is really worth salvaging. Sometimes reconciliation is possible, and you can read more about when and how that happens over time here.