It’s a helpless feeling when your ex won’t talk to you. You text and you call and there is no reply, no answer. Perhaps you have tried over and over and still radio silence. You most likely are wanting some sort of answer and your ex won’t talk to you to give you that answer. Regardless of the situation one thing is certain, you can’t force your ex to talk. He does have a choice in this and if he isn’t answering you, that is the choice he has made.
I am sure you are thinking how unfair it is, but I would like to flip the coin for you, show you the other side. Then I will tell you what to do if you don’t figure it out sooner. If your ex was the one who broke up with you, he made a decision to do this. It’s his decision. It may have been a decision that made you very unhappy, no doubt. You reaching out and trying to talk to him is almost always because you are wanting desperately to alter this decision.
You text or call with a question. There are usually two kinds of questions that you would ask your ex in order to get a response. The first one is one where you may be asking him something about the relationship or how he feels. A question like “so you don’t love me anymore” or maybe “are you sure you want to lose me”. If your breakup is fresh, he most likely doesn’t even know the answer at this point and he is going to feel your desperation and feel that you are trying to get something out of him, something that he has already made clear he isn’t willing to give.
The second kind of question that you may be asking is something that you feel is harmless or simple. Something like “what do you want to do about the books or whatever that you left here” or maybe “do you want your ring back”. These questions are very transparent. Your ex is likely to see them as an excuse that you make to contact. A way to hold on. It’s also a good way for you to try and see him again. In reality those things can wait, and he knows this and so do you really.
Both of the above situations feel like control. You are trying to control or manipulate the outcome of what pleases you. Both show your ex crystal clear your lack of self control. When your ex won’t talk to you, he most likely feels that you are coming from a place to try to control in order to get what you want. You want him back in your life. If you continue to try to get him to talk to you, this lack of self control on your part is showing him that talking to you won’t do any good unless he can give you what you want, which he can’t, so he makes a choice to not talk at all.
When your ex won’t talk to you, he has put a boundary down. With his actions he has placed this boundary down. If you keep trying to talk to him anyway, you are crossing these boundaries. I suggest you read about these boundaries here, Boundaries in Relationships. It simply doesn’t feel good and it rings of selfishness of you trying to get what you want, with no regards to what he wants. I know that it sucks that what he wants isn’t what you want, but you simply can’t force him or convince him otherwise.
If the breakup is fresh and your ex won’t talk to you, the best thing you can do for now is to give him space. Your constant attempts are not helping and are more than likely pushing him further and further away. Giving him space and taking space for yourself will give your emotions time to calm down and help you get your self control back. A woman that has lost her self control is far from attractive and smells of desperation. This further enforces to him very likely that he did the right thing by breaking up.
So if you keep trying and still your ex won’t talk to you, beware, you are most likely making him feel very good about his decision to end things. I am quite sure that is not what you want. Your best bet is to go into no contact and get back your self control and your dignity. The person who did the breaking up in a relationship will process this all very different from how you do.
For a better understanding of why he won’t talk to you or how he is processing all this really, you can read more here with Bob Grant, my favorite relationship expert.